Tuesday, October 29, 2013


I'll get the bastards!

Fuck, fuck, FUCK Vanity fucking Fair. The bastards! How dare they try and take me down. How dare they try and ruin my reputation as one of the most lady-like, elegant, pure and radiant stars of my generation.  Don't they remember I won a fucking Oscar?  And now they want to destroy me because I was once seen innocently holding hands with a man who isn't my husband. Since when has holding hands with a friendly billionaire been a crime? We were simply having a very passionate, intense and thrilling discussion about macrobiotic vegetables. If his penis made any moves on me, I was totally unaware of it and I can assure you that I felt nothing. It was a long time ago and I am a chaste married woman -  it even says so on my CV, right under "ruthless, cold, controlling bitch". I mean have you seen my husband? No really, have you? Because I can never find the miserable fucker when I need him by my side for "happy family" photo ops. For a so-called musician his sense of timing is pathetic. If Vanity Fair think I'm taking this lying down (which by the way is one of the many things they're accusing me of) they can think again. They need to remember who they're dealing with. Don't forget I'm the demure, virtuous paragon who didn't hesitate to call her own grandmother a 'cunt' on national television! I will do anything to prove my innocence and if that includes lying, cheating and dirty tricks, well, I like to think I have more experience in that arena than Vanity Fair.

My brooding intellectual look

It's been a while since  Stacy the Wrestler got her marching orders and I'm fed up with everybody trying to pair me off with Sandra Bullock. No offence to Sandy, but I'm a man in my prime so I don't want to be saddled with a woman who's gonna be putting like a hundred candles on her next birthday cake! Give me a break. No, a young, handsome, sexy guy like me needs (another young, sexy, handsome guy? I'm KIDDING!!) somebody who will be happy to just stand there and look good while towering protectively over me on the red carpet, or help me on and off boats on lake Como, or just up and down all those stairs at home. My back is still giving me trouble so I need the human equivalent of a walking stick.  Currently, I've got my eye on this lady in London. She's highly intelligent like me - even better she's a lawyer, who is doing some work for the very handsome Julian Assange, so she can probably even save me some money by drawing up her own contract! Hopefully, the conversation will be more stimulating than it was with my previous employees. I'll offer her the usual 2 year deal with the proviso that she can talk about Julian Assange all she wants. I just love Julian's hair and he has a very 'penetrating' gaze which gives me butterflies. I'd certainly like to penetrate him! And by that, I mean I'd like to delve beneath that haughty, icy demeanour and plumb the depths of the real Julian. A manly hug from a fellow intellectual refugee would probably make his day.

To gel or not to gel?
What a day! I crashed the car on the way to the tattoo parlour and I'm thinking it's just another sign that I should install my own tattoo parlour at home. Then I wouldn't have to put my life at risk by driving there. The police asked me if I checked the mirrors when I was driving. I said "wouldn't you, if you looked like me?" I told them I made doubly sure to check every mirror, because I wasn't sure whether I'd used enough hair gel that day. So it was important that I kept an eye on it as I was driving. I'm also worried that my profile isn't as taut as it used to be, so I was also concentrating on that as well. I guess that's why there are so many mirrors at the front of a car. But I still think I should have one installed on the car roof just to make the most of myself.  Brooklyn was in the car with me but he's OK. Later, I said to Victoria that I was glad she wasn't in the car because although the impact wasn't bad enough to wreck my hair ( I did use enough hair gel!!), it probably would have crushed her little chicken bones. She said she was glad too because although we had 3 other kids and the world is full of retired footballers, there was only one of her and the world of high fashion would have crumbled.


Tuesday, October 15, 2013


I'm Perfect. You? Not so much....!

A while ago one of the world's most beautiful women begged me to interview her. I hesitated, because I didn't know if there existed a potent enough cocktail on the planet to render me insensate enough to endure being in the same room as her for longer than 5 seconds. So, not wishing to make little Flynn an orphan, I politely declined. Thus spurned, the attention seeking little madam ran off to Cosmopolitan magazine instead and hustled her ass and her skincare range for all she was worth.

Here's some of the wisdom and profundity from that interview that she had to share with us all - closely followed by my interpretation of it. Let me be the furry bridge between what she said and what she was really thinking.

"Models are some of the world's most insecure people I've ever met. They're constantly being told they're not good enough. You've really got to practice loving yourself ".

Yeah right!  Why the hell would a gorgeous, perfect, pouting specimen like ME ever feel insecure? As if! And when it comes to "loving yourself" remember, I invented the concept. And it's something I practice 24/7. I'm so dedicated to myself  that I refuse to even give myself a day off from loving myself. It's called being a professional. 

“I’m a lot stronger than people think."

These dimples are made of steel, and I will see you burn in hell if you ever piss me off. Ask Orlando! Of course it's tough travelling so much without my little boy, but you know what would be tougher? Taking him with me! I just don't have the time and I really need to concentrate on my reflection for all those selfies I take. I don't get it, Kim Kardashian left her baby to attend Paris Fashion Week and so did I, yet she got all the headlines! Like she's the only celebrity who has a baby to leave? People seem to forget that I leave little Flynn without so much as a backward glance all the time. Life can be so unfair, even when you're as beautiful as me.

"If someone says to me, ‘Well, that’s not possible. It can't happen,’ I say, ‘Yes it is. I'm going to sit here and show you that it can.’ I can take no for an answer and accept it – but if there’s a solution and I can make it work, why wouldn't I?”

I can indeed take 'no' for an answer and accept it - but only if the question is "Will Miranda Kerr ever stop being the world's most beautiful and  bashfully modest woman?"  I will also happily bludgeon you to a pulp with a bottle of my Kora Organics Calming Lavender Mist if you show any opposition to my demands.  

Look! No baby!

“Don't feel like you have to do and be everything. Let the man do some things for you, because if he cares for you, he will want to. When I get home, I'm not the boss like I am at work – I slip into a more feminine role. I take everything off and put on my Stella McCartney silk robe. I’ll put on a red lip or red nails, and it lifts my mood. Sexy underwear also gives you a spark. I collect underwear from my travels. Lace, lingerie, bodysuits…they're like souvenirs.”

Yeah, when I get home I like to start busting Orlando's balls straight away.Why wait? This ensures that he's out of the house within 10 minutes of my arrival. He says he likes to leave me on my own a lot because he cares for me so much. And anyway, it's the least he can do now that he's an embarrassing 'has-been' in the movie business. It's essential that I reconnect with my inner-goddess and practice taking selfies in various stages of undress. You can never have too many mirrors, I find. The amazing thing is that I look bloody wonderful from all angles and it never ceases to amaze me. I slink around in my silks and satins and do some yoga until I feel like ME again. I do worry that Orlando is sometimes more feminine than me - his feet are smaller, he has prettier hands and that Stella McCartney robe looks better on him. Sometimes I hate him for this. Sometimes, I just hate him!

Catching up on housework!

“ Flynn says Mommy works and Daddy plays, because Daddy is in a play…so that makes sense. When I saw Orlando on Broadway in Romeo and Juliet, I was blown away. For someone to be able to learn all that and hold the energy to do it every day, six days a week – I have so much respect for him. We don’t run lines though. We keep that very separate. That would be like me asking him to teach me how to catwalk"

I've spent hours coaching Flynn to say 'Mommy works and Daddy plays' only for the bone-idle layabout to actually get a part in a play! I was blown away alright, especially when I realised that he was going to play the part of a bloody teenager! How far back do the audience need to be sitting for that to work? I suppose it's a step up from delivering pizzas, but only just. I thought he was going to be a HUGE Hollywood Star when I married him....what a let-down. I weep for the greater celebrity I could have been if only he'd been more successful. I have so much respect for him I can't bear to be in the same country as the loser for longer than 5 minutes. I should be grateful he finally found a bloody part-time job but who the hell is going to babysit Flynn while he's out six nights a week in some stupid play? There's no understudy for that! 


Monday, September 16, 2013


What is it with Queen Beyoncé and her FANS? The one above tried to pull her ratty-tailed weave off her head (for which I thank it) and this one tried to pull her gorgeous, glittery self off the stage in Brazil. 

Caught on film: The pulldown was caught on plenty of cell phone cameras and posted on YouTube

But fearless Beyonce isn't one to let an over-zealous fan put her off her stride! She just put those Super Hero thighs of hers to work and in seconds she bounced back up (still screeching and yowling like a wounded jackal) with the feeble help of  her "busy doing nothing" bodyguards. Where does she find her security team? Does she handpick them from knitting circles across America? They're about as alert and protective as a litter of sleeping kittens. Very magnanimously, she didn't order the assailant to be  horsewhipped and locked up with her weaves for 20 years. In fact, if he gets her enough headlines, he'll probably be on the payroll for repeat performances. 


Friday, September 13, 2013


Ambulance and police were called to the Caryle Hotel after the incident involving Nicole Kidman.

Yesterday, there were fears that New York had been hit by an earthquake but sources have now revealed that it was simply the reverberations of Nicole Kidman's Botoxed-to-Hell forehead hitting the pavement when she was knocked down by a cyclist. Paramedics were called to the scene but Miss Kidman's glacial forehead was unscathed.  The pavement however, will have to be replaced because it disintegrated under the force of the impact.


Thursday, September 12, 2013


Not so long ago Cheryl Cole's tattoo artist Nikko Hurtado revealed her very subtle and classy tattoo which he spent 55 hours carefully applying to her ass. I don't know who deserves the most applause for that ordeal; her for enduring the discomfort or him for having to listen to her "sing" her way through the pain.


Now, Mr Hurtado has revealed a portrait he has done of Shrill and if she thought the tattoo was painful...well, let's just say people have been locked up for less vicious attacks. Here's the portrait

Her latest accessory? Cheryl Cole's tattoo artist Nikko Hurtado has also painted the pop star - complete with antlers coming out of the top of her head

I've stopped laughing now, and after looking at some
 of his other artistic endeavours I realise she got off lightly. Something tells me he must have had to take medication to stop himself from painting the bleeding heart of a grizzly bear clenched between her perfect teeth. Or a 2-headed cobra bursting out of her chest. Or what about elephant tusks growing out of her precious little dimples? (If he steals this idea, you know where you heard it first!) Because according to him, "she really doesn't know how beautiful she is". And judging from this, neither does he.

Anyway, who the hell chooses a tattoo artist the first four letters of whose name spells...HURT?


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Victoria Beckham - Creative Genius

So Posh: The 39-year-old designer paired her ribbed dress with chic black bootie heels, a ponytail, and large sunglasses

Tricky Vicky says this monstrosity is her "favourite piece" from her latest collection. And why wouldn't it be? There has to be some sucker out there who'll believe her and buy it. So, here she is skulking around looking like she fell out of bed in a 'rent by the hour' motel and drunkenly dragged the skanky coverlet with her. 

But fear not, she also does a more 'fitted' version in a deeper blue -  and I think she looks so much better in this one. More like her old self!


Thursday, July 11, 2013


I know she's only a few weeks old but little kNorth West is already posing for her first photo shoot and I wanted to get in there fast before they started grooming her for the Playboy Mansion and Hugh Hefner's 100th birthday present. So, after robbing a bank, selling the family silver and renting my womb out to Beyoncé, I finally had enough kash in my paws to interview her. As soon as her loving, caring Grandma stashed the dollars down her cleavage we were good to go.

 The first thing I notice is that the poor thing has inherited her mother's porky trotters and charming nostrils. She is sitting propped up on a pile of pillows while a make-up artist applies shading to her nose and a sprinkling of glitter to give it a more streamlined appearance.


SULKY: Well, you're the first baby I've interviewed so lets get cracking before you start bawling for food or fall asleep.

BABY: Eat? Sleep? As if! Don't worry, I've got my first magazine cover coming up soon so they've put me on a low-carb diet. And I'm only allowed to sleep when Kim's awake! She needs her beauty sleep. I'm only a helpless newborn but apparently I must try and understand her needs and put them first. 

SULKY: Kim's just great at understanding her own needs and putting them first. But I don't know if there's enough beauty sleep in the world to help her catch up. So what does she do when your crying disturbs her?

BABY: How would I know - she's never there!  They have nurses to take care of all the "ugly business" like pooping and peeing and burping and crying, not just for Kanye but for me as well....I've only seen her twice since my arrival. The day I was born and yesterday, when she trotted in to see if I clashed with her shoes.

SULKY: What was the birth like? Was Kim howlin' like a wolf? 

BABY: It was traumatic. I'd just poked my head and shoulders out when she screamed at me to "get back in there" because her make-up needed re-touching. Kanye was pacing the floor like any nervous father because he had a plane to catch and he was pissed because he couldn't believe how somebody else in the same room as him kept getting more attention. He had a microphone and kept shouting "what about me? what about me?" at the doctors. Then as soon as I popped out, he ranted that all the medical staff should give him an award for being the 'Best Ever Most Godlike Superior Supreme Father in the World'. Kim was in tears because she felt that her hair had gone flat and so the doctors left me to count my own fingers and toes to tend to her hair emergency.

SULKY: Why don't you call them Mommy and Daddy?

BABY: I'll call them Mommy and Daddy when they start acting like a Mommy and Daddy. Until then I'll refer to them kollectively as The Klowns. I've already hired a lawyer with a view to emancipation. Why wait?  


SULKY: What's it like having the world's two biggest narcissists as parents?

BABY: It's been tough! Kim has a crib in her room but her make-up artist sleeps in it, and Kanye is mentally strung out because he's the World's Greatest Creative Genius and has just finished designing a clothing line consisting of a hoodie, a sock and a pair of jeans. It took him 3 years because he's such a relentless perfectionist. It must be exhausting to have that much talent in one person. Then there's his music. He has instructed my nurses to play his songs all day long. We are all going slowly crazy, but to soothe me they have been reading me comforting bedtime stories about children who won emancipation from their parents.

SULKY: What did they say when they first held you in their arms?

BABY: Oooh,I'll have to get back to you on that big moment when it actually happens - it's only been a few weeks, they need time to adjust. I think Kanye didn't want to get any stains on his self-styled ostrich feather t-shirt and Kim was having a tummy-tuck but I did hear her say "Thank God, she's not as hairy as  Khloe". I was glad too, because I could see straightaway that Aunt Khloe had more fur than a Pomeranian. 

 I think they're hoping I'll be as smart as Kourtney. She's the only member of the family who's ever managed to pronounce a word with six syllables. I think it was a fluke because she has about as much intelligence and linguistic dexterity as a glove puppet. 

SULKY: Are you happy with the name they gave you?

BABY: I suppose it's marginally better than the one they were going to call me - Kash-Kow!

SULKY: So has your Grandma Kris been spending time with you?

BABY: Grandma? She introduced herself as my agent! That bitch started producing contracts for me to sign before Kim had even chewed through the umbilical cord. I think she used my placenta as an inkwell. She even stole the stem cells from my cord to use in a face cream she's promoting. So, that cold-hearted, money-grabbing shark is my darling Grandma! Thanks for the tip-off.

SULKY: Are you looking forward to being a reality star?

BABY: I'm not so keen on the fake tan and the eyelash extensions, but I suppose I'll get used to it. I just didn't expect to have to work so hard at such an early age. I have a fragrance to promote, a work-out DVD and there's talk of a baby weight-loss supplement. I'm also working on my first book called  My Life as a Baby and Kanye wants to produce my first record with me doing vocals and rattle. Then I need to get started on a clothing line.

SULKY: You'll probably make your first million before the end of the month.

BABY: Well, I just don't want to end up like Suri Cruise - I mean she's now 7 years old, but what has she actually achieved with her life? Nothing! She just stands in the street eating cupcakes! She hasn't even brushed her hair in three years. And Harper Beckham! Another pathetic low achiever who has only smiled cutely once in her whole life. Wake up and smell the money!

SULKY: So you're happy to follow in your mother's hoof-steps?

BABY: I just hope I'm as versatile as she is. My agent, sorry Grandma!, said that Kim got famous by making a movie - that was her big breakout moment. I haven't seen the movie yet and it sounds odd because apparently there was only one other actor in it! But she must have been brilliant because apparently it made a ton of money. I've also just heard that George Clooney has sacked his latest girlfriend so maybe when he's around 70 I can get that role. I'm learning to plan ahead!