I am led into a smokey cavern to bow my head and genuflect beside the overflowing ashtray that is Kate Moss's constant companion. She is lying resplendent on a Stella McCartney PVC blanket ( Shade Mucus - sale price £1,250). Her legs are encased in grubby grey skinny ripped denim, and she is draped in one of Stella's trademark hideously shapeless tops. Through the haze of smoke, her hair is lank and greasy, the dark roots sprinkled delicately with dandruff. Her pasty skin is dull and spotty and her little feral eyes dart here and there. I gaze at this natural beauty, this English Rose, and there are so many questions I want to ask her, I hardly know where to begin.
SULKY: For the love of all that is fashionable Kate, can you please try and explain to me how such a bandy-legged, shark-toothed little Mockney runt like yourself came to be hailed as one of the Greatest Supermodels the world has ever seen?
KATE: Dunno. The world just got lucky, I guess! I need a drink and a fag....
SULKY: Well, at least try and tell me how the hell you've managed to hang on at the top with your scabby little claws for so bloody long? I mean, who can be brought to trial for that when it's all over? Will your career ever end?
KATE: Eh?....look I need a break, this is heavy stuff. I thought we was just gonna talk about me and clothes and buttons.
SULKY: OK, tell me, is there anything about your appearance that you don't like?
KATE: (loud cackle) Are you kidding? Look at me, I'm Kate Moss! What's not to like? I'm a flippin' MUSE darlin'. A MUSE! Everybody wants to be me and everybody loves me. I AM fashion!
SULKY: You have a daughter, how difficult do you find it, combining motherhood with your career?
KATE: Oh yeah! (looks at PR) She's that kid always bugging me to take her to MacDonalds, right? Lily...Lulu...errr no, Lila! That's it! Yeah, well I'm pretty disciplined - no question, my career comes first. It requires sacrifices, sometimes I even have to rush back from a brilliant party just to throw some water over her and give her a bath! It's annoying, but it has to be done or she'll be on the phone to Child Line again, whingeing. (Her PR interjects "I think what Kate means is she enjoys quality time with the kid - Got that?")
SULKY: I love that really "Dead" look you always manage to use in EVERY SINGLE ONE of your photo-shoots. How long has it taken you to perfect that permanently "stoned" expression?
KATE: ( preening) Thank you. To be honest, I usually just try and do big hard sums in my head.....but seriously, I'm a total Pro and I can pull that look out of a hat if I need to, whether I'm sitting or standing, or even lying down or kneeling. Mario (Testino) often says I'm the blankest canvas he's ever seen. I'm always giving him photography tips - his career would be on the skids if it wasn't for me, and he knows it!
SULKY: Your collaboration with Longchamp must have been an exciting event?
KATE: Ummm, yeah, I think they were definitely VERY excited to work with me. Who can blame them? They asked me for a unique "Kate" tweak to their bags, and I was the first person in the whole world who came up with the brilliant and radical idea to tie a scarf on the handle of a handbag! Then everybody was doing it! But that's the price you pay for being an Icon. Everybody wants a piece of you!
SULKY: One of your most
KATE: As long as they can grip on to my fags, I don't care! (more cackles)
SULKY: Where did you get your inspiration from when you designed all that tacky trash for Topshop? It definitely made me understand why they call it the Rag Trade.
KATE: Well... basically, I looked at everything that was already in my wardrobe and I just copied it! I like sleeves, but sometimes I don't...and I really love buttons. Buttons mean the world to me. They helped me when I was in the Priory. They have their own little personalities. I get very emotional when I think of all the buttons I've lost. But I like zips as well. If sleeves are missing, I add them. If it has sleeves, I rip them off. I'm just naturally creative and some of my best relationships have been with clothes and buttons.
SULKY: So, take say, Stella's Wife Beater Vest (please!) what would you do to that?
KATE: Easy, I'd add sleeves....and buttons down the front. And a zip and maybe pockets. Maybe a hood as well. Throw some sequins at it. Padded shoulders! Tie a scarf on it maybe? Then I'd call it a Wife-Cheater Jacket! See? Different innit?
SULKY: Supermodel, coke-head, scarf-fanatic, mother, singer, boozer, songwriter, wife, designer, button-lover, Smoker - is there anything Kate can't do?
KATE: (swigging from bottle of JD) Nah! I can do it all.
SULKY: Any unfulfilled ambitions? I think it's only fair to warn people...
KATE: Oh, just keep doing what I'm doing. I want to be able to give Lacey every opportunity to do stuff I couldn't do, like go to school, read a book, write sentences, have money for fags, Cristal for breakfast....but if she wants to just fritter her life away being a boring teacher or doctor or whatever - I won't stand in her way - I'll try and understand!