Friday, January 13, 2012

KATE MOSS SPEAKS.......TO ME!

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I am led into a smokey cavern to bow my head and genuflect beside the overflowing ashtray that is Kate Moss's constant companion. She is lying resplendent on a Stella McCartney PVC blanket ( Shade Mucus - sale price £1,250). Her legs are encased in grubby grey skinny ripped denim, and she is draped in one of Stella's trademark hideously shapeless tops. Through the haze of smoke, her hair is lank and greasy, the dark roots sprinkled delicately with dandruff. Her pasty skin is dull and spotty and her little feral eyes dart here and there. I gaze at this natural beauty, this English Rose, and there are so many questions I want to ask her, I hardly know where to begin.

SULKY: For the love of all that is fashionable Kate, can you please try and explain to me how such a bandy-legged, shark-toothed little Mockney runt like yourself came to be hailed as one of the Greatest Supermodels the world has ever seen?

KATE: Dunno. The world just got lucky, I guess! I need a drink and a fag....

SULKY: Well, at least try and tell me how the hell you've managed to hang on at the top with your scabby little claws for so bloody long?  I mean, who can be brought to trial for that when it's all over? Will your career ever end?

KATE: Eh?....look I need a break, this is heavy stuff. I thought we was just gonna talk about me and clothes and buttons.

SULKY: OK, tell me, is there anything about your appearance that you don't like?

KATE: (loud cackle)  Are you kidding? Look at me, I'm Kate Moss! What's not to like? I'm a flippin' MUSE darlin'. A MUSE! Everybody wants to be me and everybody loves me. I AM fashion!

SULKY: You have a daughter, how difficult do you find it, combining motherhood with your career?

KATE: Oh yeah! (looks at PR)  She's that kid always bugging me to take her to MacDonalds, right? Lily...Lulu...errr no, Lila! That's it! Yeah, well I'm pretty disciplined - no question, my career comes first. It requires sacrifices, sometimes I even have to rush back from a brilliant party just to throw some water over her and give her a bath! It's annoying, but it has to be done or she'll be on the phone to Child Line again, whingeing. (Her PR interjects "I think what Kate means is she enjoys quality time with the kid - Got that?")

SULKY: I love that really "Dead" look you always manage to use in EVERY SINGLE ONE of your photo-shoots.  How long has it taken you to perfect that permanently "stoned" expression?

KATE: ( preening) Thank you. To be honest, I usually just try and do big hard sums in my head.....but seriously, I'm a total Pro and I can pull that look out of a hat if I need to, whether I'm sitting or standing, or even lying down or kneeling. Mario (Testino) often says I'm the blankest canvas he's ever seen. I'm always giving him photography tips -  his career would be on the skids if it wasn't for me, and he knows it!

SULKY: Your collaboration with Longchamp must have been an exciting event?

KATE: Ummm, yeah, I think they were definitely VERY excited to work with me. Who can blame them? They asked me for a unique "Kate" tweak to their bags, and I was the first person in the whole world who came up with the brilliant and radical idea to tie a scarf on the handle of a handbag! Then everybody was doing it! But that's the price you pay for being an Icon. Everybody wants a piece of you!

SULKY: One of your most unattractive endearing features are your pinking shear teeth. How does a  stunning Supermodel like you hold on to her dental heritage and integrity? Surely any dentist worth his salt will always try to wrestle you to the ground, hog-tie you and glue veneers over those little jagged edges? How do you resist the lure of decent teeth?

KATE: As long as they can grip on to my fags, I don't care! (more cackles)

SULKY: Where did you get your inspiration from when you designed all that tacky trash for Topshop? It definitely made me understand why they call it the Rag Trade.

KATE: Well... basically, I looked at everything that was already in my wardrobe and I just copied it! I like sleeves, but sometimes I don't...and I really love buttons. Buttons mean the world to me. They helped me when I was in the Priory. They have their own little personalities. I get very emotional when I think of all the buttons I've lost. But I like zips as well. If sleeves are missing, I add them. If it has sleeves, I rip them off. I'm just naturally creative and some of my best relationships have been with clothes and buttons.

SULKY: So, take say, Stella's Wife Beater Vest (please!) what would you do to that?

KATE: Easy, I'd add sleeves....and buttons down the front. And a zip and maybe  pockets. Maybe a hood as well. Throw some sequins at it. Padded shoulders! Tie a scarf on it maybe? Then I'd call it a Wife-Cheater Jacket! See? Different innit?

SULKY: Supermodel, coke-head, scarf-fanatic, mother, singer, boozer, songwriter, wife, designer, button-lover, Smoker - is there anything Kate can't do?

KATE: (swigging from bottle of JD) Nah! I can do it all.

SULKY: Any unfulfilled ambitions? I think it's only fair to warn people...

KATE: Oh, just keep doing what I'm doing. I want to be able to give Lacey every opportunity to do stuff I couldn't do, like go to school, read a book, write sentences, have money for fags, Cristal for breakfast....but if she wants to just fritter her life away being a boring teacher or doctor or whatever - I won't stand in her way - I'll try and understand!

MEOW!

22 comments:

  1. I'm snorting away here, shoulders heaving up and down like Mutley's - the buttons /Priory bit - that has to be made into a sketch, get on the telly Sulky!

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  2. Oh God, remember Mutley? I LOVED him! That's the way I laugh too...

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  3. My God! I was having this very conversation with a Spanish friend today. I'm still baffled by her longevity. I'm not a fan and still can't understand her appeal.
    But your interview is hilarious :-)

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  4. Are we the only ones who don't get her? Her agent must be the Devil himself!

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  5. OhmyWORD. You are hilarious. I laughed so loud when I started reading that my poor sleeping dog nearly convulsed off the sofa. I will NEVER understand her "success". The only "muse" I see with her is that I am amused by her questionable behaviours and average looks that has catapulted her to super model-dom. But then again I live in a world that equates talent with the Kardashians (sp) and Jersey Shore. ~~Bliss (could you do interviews with the aforementioned sometime?)

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  6. Bliss, poor Rockefeller! I tried watching the Krazy K Family, but I just couldn't do it to myself! I cannot understand their appeal. Yet everywhere I turn I'm confronted with photos of them. Simply by some weird osmosis I know more about them than I should! I need to pour Holy Water into my cranium and hope for the best...

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  7. I think you've redefined Lowest Common Denominator. Well done.

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  8. WFF, now I know why she avoided giving interviews for all those years.....

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  9. "Nah! I can do it all" That line cracked me up for some reason. This was brilliant!! She reminds me a bit of of Mick Jagger - they're both rather plain (homely) and don't give a fig - it seems to have worked for them!

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  10. I've never understood the Kate Moss appeal, and this is so hilarious and true. You must be on TV! Your sketches are hysterical.

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  11. ...and I thought it was just middle aged, east coast, ivy league snobbery on my part.
    Glad to know it's only partially that. She haas always made me want to puke, but now, and thanks to you, she finally makes me laugh.

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  12. David, it just makes me laugh to see how someone who has made so many "low rent" lifestyle choices gets to advertise such supposedly high-end products! (Thank God, I'm really pure and beyond reproach myself!)

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  13. Kathy, obviously I'm just half crazed with jealousy that she got her claws into the equally skanky Russell Brand and Pete Docherty before I did...! A Sulky scorned...

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  14. Jane, I know! Their egos must be bomb-proof!

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  15. Oh my Sulky Kitten, your interview has uncovered the real Kate Moss. I used to think she was just another hard faced, skinny blonde but your interview reveals there is so much more to her. Vanity Fair will be calling you to do more in depth interviews.

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  16. Claire, we judge these darlings too harshly....I just hope VF manage to line up that other super-mom, serial-detoxer & homemaker-supreme Gwynnie Paltrow...we'd get on like a house on fire!

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  17. Aside from the gorgeous editorials which have been given a mighty photoshopping session, she does bring something to the shoots... In real life her face and bandy legs are altogether something else!

    Funny what fags, booze and marathon party seshs can do...
    x.o.x.o

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  18. Sandee,She says herself that it's the "retouching" of her photos that she likes the best! That must be a full-time job for somebody! x

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  19. Confession: I have a huge crush on Kate Moss, no matter how insane she is.

    http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

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  20. Ah well Bonnie, nobody's perfect - I have one on Minnie Mouse...!

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  21. I think she's more crystal meth for breakfast than Cristal.

    That was great fun to read!
    I'm off to check out more of your blog.

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    Replies
    1. Curator - you're probably right - who can forget the heady skanky love story of the century, between KM and Pete Docherty?

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