Sunday, January 1, 2012

MOVIE MADNESS 3

Sssshhh...Tom's singing to me....

Well, the new Mission Improbable movie came out, and of course I had to go and feast my eyes on the walking, talking Boy Wonder that is Tom Cruise. I was camped out in the cinema for 2 days - that's how long the movie lasted, but I didn't care. I LOVE Tom. He puts the swish in my tail, and the twitch in my little pink nose. He is catnip for my soul. At night when my narcotic of choice bedtime snack of Dreamies kicks in, I imagine that Tom is singing me to sleep, the way he did with Dakota Fanning in War of the Worlds, (it's the closest I get to self-harming!) Then I start laughing my furry head off and have to take more Dreamies to knock myself out. It's a seductive but vicious circle.

Anyway, Tom/Ethan is back in action putting his precious LIFE on the line for the IMF. (That's the Impossible Missions Force - yeah, I thought he was working for the International Monetary Fund (yawn) for a while too!)  More importantly, his Floppy Fringe is back! In a nutshell, Tom saves us all from NUCLEAR destruction while having a succession of seriously good hair days. I said NUCLEAR destruction, did you get that? That's how SERIOUS it all was. Oh, what he endured on our behalf in the fight against Global Terrorism - he even had to wear a Black Leather Hoodie at one point!  The little globetrotter diced with death and danger in  Moscow, Dubai, Mumbai and the whole time, his hair was IMMACULATE.

I've noticed that Tom likes to either wear skimpy little vests or to bare his torso at every opportunity. He did look quite manly and muscular, but sometimes, (maybe it was the camera angle?)  he just looked like a very muscly toddler. Very narrow shoulders for a man carrying so much on them, I thought worriedly digging into my popcorn. At one point the fearless darling was barefoot, daintily skipping through freezing puddles in Moscow.( I always check out Tom's tootsies to see if he has succumbed to the lure of Cuban Heels.) If he had stubbed a toe we'd all be dead now! (because of that NUCLEAR  thing). In one scene, his/my fetish for uniforms reared it's ugly head and he dressed up as a Russian General.  For once we got to see what he would look like if he aged normally like the rest of us. Now I know why he strives so hard to look like he's permanently 35!

Of course there are always a few flies in the ointment. As a foil to Tom's multi-talented GORGEOUSNESS, there was the obligatory "funny" English actor thrown into the mix as the techie whizz. And whilst I was on my knees Praising the Lord it wasn't the manically repellent Russell Brand, I loathed this effort at a humour injection. Unbelievably, he did not meet a well-deserved grisly end, but survived and will probably be around to annoy me in the next outing. Damn his gingery hide!
However, in what must be a cinematic first, the girly actor/agent didn't cry every 10 seconds, lose all her clothes, sprain her ankle, or get pregnant.

Jeremy Renner was the other agent named Brandt, and he had a SECRET. He was TORTURED BY GUILT!  I'd liked to have tortured him some more. He scrunched up his face a lot and looked like he was being tasered by guilt from the INSIDE! He had so much INNER TURMOIL it was painful to watch, because he kept EXPLAINING his inner turmoil to anybody who would listen. I clamped my paws firmly over my ears as I didn't want to encourage him.

There were lots of exciting action sequences all involving heroic Tom. He LAUGHS in the face of danger, and doesn't use stuntmen.  He is so brave (cue girly, kittenish sighs). Tom had to climb the outside of the worlds tallest building, using only a pair of Suri's old ballet slippers and some rubber oven gloves. Tom clearly has a head for heights. Don't forget he likes tall women, and has had sherpa-like experience of scaling the glacial carapace that is Nicole Kidman. Now he's playing house with tall and beautiful  Katie Holmes, so he probably wears crampons to bed. I always worry that Katie will roll over in her sleep and smother little Tom or inadvertantly crush him with her bodybuilder thighs. ( YES, these are the things that keep me awake!). Be on your guard Tom - for God's sake at least put a bolster in between you. (You can insert your own smutty joke or image there, I'm keeping my mind pure for Tom).

Our Love Is Pure....
I will always remember that this was the movie where Tom tried to act using just his EYES. Maybe he is preparing for a demanding role as a paraplegic, but he acted his little heart out using JUST his eyes. There were lots of close ups of Toms eyes acting! They darted, they danced, they shifted, they rolled, they narrowed and they focused. If I find out that he chickened out of this challenge and used a Stunt Double for all of these scenes, I'll be SO disappointed. At various points he looked a bit distracted. Maybe the strain of all that Eye-acting was too much and he zoned out by wondering if  there was anything else in Suri's closet that would fit him?What about her new sequinned pumps for instance? He could maybe spend a few hours when filming was over to go through her shoe collection PROPERLY. A man needs to spend some quality time alone, dammit!  And anyway, Suri won't need them because he and Katie will still be carrying her around in their arms when she's in her twenties.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

MEOW!


18 comments:

  1. I've just added you to my blog roll on A Husk of Meaning.

    ReplyDelete
  2. David, Thank You! Hope it doesn't lose you any readers!

    ReplyDelete
  3. While you were watching Tom's eye acting, I was viewing the conceit that is George Clooney in The Ides of March.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Claire, I still haven't recovered from The American. Clooney is the acting equivalent of cardboard. How he ever graduated beyond ER is one of life's imponderable mysteries. He is as expressive as a block of cement, and I swoon with nausea every time I see him.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I laughed so much at this post, I spilled coffee on myself! Sulky, you really are something. David has been wanting to see this movie, and now I'll go with a new attitude. I know that part of you post will appear in my mind during the movie, and I'll be giggling away, getting weird looks from strangers.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Sulky!! I am laughing my arse off. This is the best movie/Tom review--EVER. Master Bliss had just read a review of this movie to me only moments before I read yours. Yours is better and I will be contacting the publishers of "The Week" magazine on your behalf to see if they will take you on. I can let them know that you are particularly interested in reviewing Tom Cruise films--I really do see a future.

    BTW, we are planning on seeing the movie this evening--will let you know my thoughts ; ). ~~Bliss

    ReplyDelete
  7. I pretty much lost all evidence of self control over my resounding chortles ( my wife said you must be reading sulky kitten) on Mt. Kidman and eye acting. I'm so suggestive i can't stop moving my own baby browns in a million furtive directions- serious eye cramps! Help...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Kathy, go and revel in the wonder that is Tom! You will be converted to groupie status by the time it ends. (Take enough food for a couple of days!)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bliss, you will love it, I'm sure. Tom is truly mesmerising! I am saving his masterpiece Valkyrie for the day I have to give up alcohol (to cheer me up!), and I am eagerly awaiting Rock of Ages just for the pleasure of hearing him singing again!

    ReplyDelete
  10. David, you will learn all about eye gymnastics when you go and see the Master in action!

    ReplyDelete
  11. We feel the same way about Russell Brand. You are my soul sister, Sulky Kitten.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Lol!! "the glacial carapace that is Nicole Kidman" Too funny!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Debra, I cannot stand to watch any movie if he is in it, he always looks like he needs to be fumigated.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Jane,Nicole always looks so frozen - all that Botox - she can hardly move a muscle in her face! Now that Tom has me to adore him, I can see Katie getting the boot as well...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Brilliant review... laughing silently yet again, with the occasional outburst of BAHHAHAHAHAHA, but I wouldn't expect anything less when I pop over here.
    x.o.x.o

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thanks Sandee, it was the best movie I've seen all week!x

    ReplyDelete
  17. Dying:"Tom had to climb the outside of the worlds tallest building, using only a pair of Suri's old ballet slippers and some rubber oven gloves."

    That's the bit I'm dying to see, when I was a kid my mum had to climb up a shute to get me down as I was to sacred to slide down in it! Hmm, they might be called slides in normal places, shute is looking like a really weird word the more I look at it.

    Oh your kittenish looks will so wean him away from Katie!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Tabitha, it's so good, you have to see it! I suppose Tom will come to me when he's been crushed once too often by Katie. He'll be a broken man...but I'll fix him!

    ReplyDelete

THANKS FOR YOUR COMMENTS - I LOVE READING THEM !