Tuesday, February 14, 2012

A VALENTINE'S DAY TALE......

SPECIAL VALENTINE SCOWL !

Ah, it's Valentine's Day, the Patron Saint of restaurants, flower sellers and lingerie stores everywhere. I don't celebrate it myself, because as I like to remind Mr SK every day with me is an emotional explosion of hearts, flowers and passion!

But the Valentine memory that sends most quivers and shivers up and down my spine is the one where I allowed myself to be talked into a blind date with Jonathan, my friend Alison's brother.  I was assured that he was very funny, intelligent, attractive, chatty and friendly. In her words he was "just perfect" for me. Alison lied. Her brother Jonathan had just broken up with his fiancée and his family didn't want him spending Valentine's Day alone in case he "did something silly". So, rather than just spend time with him themselves, I was roped in. I think this is the only time that my mere presence has been used as a suicide deterrent. But hey, how romantic. As extra security, Alison and her boyfriend joined us for one of the most gruesome dates I've ever had. If I'd spent the night blindfolded, trying to count the grains of sand in an egg-timer I'd have had a more fun and uplifting experience.

That night there were four of us crammed around the smallest restaurant table in London. Alison and her boyfriend ( a monosyllabic dullard with not even one interesting thought rattling around his big empty head) had clearly been arguing and were throwing each other venomous looks and sarky put downs. The table was the size of a place mat, so embarrassingly for me, every time a waiter tried to squeeze past I could feel my knees grazing the inside of Jonathan's thighs. At one point we both drew our chairs in at the same time and my knees  gave his genitals a brief, but vigorous massage. Not quite the introduction I was hoping for, but it was the only thing he didn't complain about all night.  He was one of those people who whined for a living - nothing like the young funster I'd been led to expect. All around us, the walls were festooned with big plastic feather-trimmed hearts and fake roses, sickly romantic songs were leaking from the ancient stereo - how could love fail to blossom in such a magical setting?


Alison asked if she could have a quick word with me and we tottered off to powder our little snouts. She told me there was something about Jonathan that I had to know. I was intrigued, could the guy actually be interesting? The "thing" turned out to be that he "suffered" from a terrible compulsion to eat his food in alphabetical order!  Apparently, he'd had this little idiosyncrasy since childhood, and unbelievably (to me) nobody had thought to beat it out of him. Anyway, it would be appreciated if I didn't comment on the way he re-arranged and ate his meal, because he was very sensitive about it. Had his parents force-fed him too much Alphabet spaghetti? Who knows. By this stage I was already looking for the fire escape.

I noticed that he had no alphabetical issues with drinking, so maybe it was all just conveniently classed under "A" for alcohol. He whimpered on about his ex-fiancée, who in my opinion was probably sensibly curled up with her cat at home, cuddling a magnum of champagne and toasting her own lucky escape from this nutcase. I sat and tried not to watch as he separated his food into neat little piles arranged like the numbers on a clock face, and chowed his way through it all in strict alphabetical order to the accompaniment of LeAnn Rimes squawking "How Do I Live" in the background. I, of course, had to stab at my own hand with my knife at regular intervals to prevent myself from laughing at this nonsense.

As he knocked back the alcohol, Jonathan started to become even more annoying relax. He suddenly scuttled his chair around alongside me and flung his leg up onto my lap, begging me to push his trouser leg up! Had he misread my unintentional groin strokes and  decided to step things up? Oh God! He wanted my opinion on the scars from the metal pins holding his leg together following a horrible motorcycle accident he'd been involved in. I gazed helplessly at his mangled leg wondering if he expected me to stroke it. Had he mistaken me for an orthapedic surgeon? Then he started crying!  Jesus help me, I was torn between sticking my dessert fork in his eye and opening my own jugular. He clasped me to his puny chest, gave me a little pat on the head, whispered drunkenly  " I think I like you" and staggered off to the Gents. Obviously, I was feeling really special by this stage in proceedings.


Alison then said to me "Sandwiches are a minefield for him, you know". But I'd had enough of them all by now, so I told her, "No, a minefield might horribly maim or kill you, what he's frightened off is biting through a slice of cheese and ham at the same bloody time!". I think my lack of sympathy might have killed stone dead any plans she was formulating for a double wedding. All of this happened years ago, but I can still hear her voice in my head saying her freaky brother was "JUST PERFECT" for me.....!

But just in case I've shattered your Valentine Dreams, here to restore warm fuzzy feelings is my favourite Greatest Movie Actor Of All Time - Little Tom "Top Gun" Cruise! I nearly cry with laughter watching this, I LOVE it so much! If you can't bear to watch it all, skip to 2.30 and watch Tom kissing Kelly McGillis. His tongue looks like a reluctant tortoise coming out of hibernation ! Prepare yourself , the passion is overwhelming! If Katie ever wants to divorce him, she just has to show the Judge his kissing technique in this movie and she'll be free before the ink has dried. Then I can get my paws on him!




MEOW!





23 comments:

  1. Oh gawd, what a gruesome date! GRUESOME!

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    1. I know, but I've laughed about it ever since!

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  2. What a horrible date! Just perfect, indeed.

    Did you agree to go on a blind date with anyone ever again?

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    1. That was my one and only blind date. I think it was enough!

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  3. Now that was a date to remember. I wonder how poor Jonathan's fared :( "Sandwiches are a minefield for him" - lol, he certainly had 'issues'...!! As for Tom, he's actually aged really well. He had no shoulders when he first came on the scene - that's the one thing I remember about him. He worked hard on his little body and it paid off ;) Watching him kiss though is gross. Happy Valentine's and thanks for the good laugh!!

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    1. I think Tom had just had his little wonky fangs fixed, maybe that's why he was showing such caution in the kissing scenes! He deserves to look perfect! It cracks me up when he attempts to sing in any of his movies.

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  4. I knew someone would make me Happy on Valentine's day! Oh I wish we had been single together, I have some whopper stories of freaks to share!
    I dated a Jonathen - one night only till his bottle of Chambord ran out - retch.

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    1. Oh, think of the laughs we would have had Tabs! I also know someone who went on a Valentine date with a guy who 'casually' mentioned that he was on parole - for attempted murder!

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  5. You have made my day, I am laughing on my way to the salt mine.
    Are you still friends with Alison?

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    1. No! After my rejection of Jonathan, there was a cooling off period.I wasn't 'understanding' enough of his food issues apparently. I hope they're both working in an Alphabet Spaghetti factory in Siberia, and earning enough to pay for the therapy they both desperately need.

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  6. Oh man I laughed so hard at this post, Hubs came running up the stairs just now wondering what the heck I was laughing at!! What a nauseating evening that must have been. Thanks for sharing though, you made my day...I am dying with laughter picturing this guy eating his food alphabetically and correctly from his plate while dining to Leann Rhimes. Yikes!!

    p.s. Oh and about glib-man Tom Cruise, I saw the wax Tom figure at Madame Tussaud's in Washington a few years ago and he looks just as annoying in wax as he does in real life!! Especially with that smarmy grin. Unfortunately there was no Oprah couch around to complete the exhibit.

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  7. He had the concentration of a bomb disposal expert as he re-arranged everything. Very odd! Aaaargh...now you've reminded me of the couch jumping!

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  8. Ha ha ha ha ha...this was hilarious! What a creepy date. You are brave to have even lasted that long. Most people would have bolted within a few minutes. I think what I find most disturbing is that your friend thought this guy was 'perfect' for you! Eating his food alphabetically...geez, now this is a new one!

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    1. I wish I had escaped earlier, but as usual I was paralyzed by politeness! Yes, the "perfect" for me is what actually annoyed me the most for ages. Still does!

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  9. This was too much...and it beats my 5th wheel story when I thought I was going on a double date with the man of my dreams. This was truly horrifying! I hope Alison didn't marry her boyfriend either. ~~Bliss

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  10. I hope she did, because she wasn't very friendly towards me afterwards! And me practically a Lifesaver for the grim brother!

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  11. Sulky, I had heard that both Kelly and Tom 'bat for the other side' so to speak...that would account for the awkward scene at 2.30. Maybe someone over in La La Land can confirm.

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    1. That's my illusions shattered! Maybe someone at the Church of Scientology can deny, and then hunt down and kill the source of these rumours?

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    2. I've heard the same too... love that alcohol is also first in the alphabet... Oh kitten...Like LR, I'm also laughing but totally feeling for you! What an experience!
      x.o.x.o

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    3. I know, I often find myself in the most ridiculous situations even now! I just try and see the funny side of things to save my sanity.

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  12. "I noticed that he had no alphabetical issues with drinking, so maybe it was all just conveniently classed under "A" for alcohol." Sulky, you are so FUNNY!

    Blind dates are the worst. Matchmakers should be fired. No one has the slightest clue who'd be perfect for anyone!

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    1. You're so right Susan, that must be why there are so many happy divorce lawyers!

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THANKS FOR YOUR COMMENTS - I LOVE READING THEM !