|SPECIAL VALENTINE SCOWL !|
Ah, it's Valentine's Day, the Patron Saint of restaurants, flower sellers and lingerie stores everywhere. I don't celebrate it myself, because as I like to remind Mr SK every day with me is an emotional explosion of hearts, flowers and passion!
But the Valentine memory that sends most quivers and shivers up and down my spine is the one where I allowed myself to be talked into a blind date with Jonathan, my friend Alison's brother. I was assured that he was very funny, intelligent, attractive, chatty and friendly. In her words he was "just perfect" for me. Alison lied. Her brother Jonathan had just broken up with his fiancée and his family didn't want him spending Valentine's Day alone in case he "did something silly". So, rather than just spend time with him themselves, I was roped in. I think this is the only time that my mere presence has been used as a suicide deterrent. But hey, how romantic. As extra security, Alison and her boyfriend joined us for one of the most gruesome dates I've ever had. If I'd spent the night blindfolded, trying to count the grains of sand in an egg-timer I'd have had a more fun and uplifting experience.
That night there were four of us crammed around the smallest restaurant table in London. Alison and her boyfriend ( a monosyllabic dullard with not even one interesting thought rattling around his big empty head) had clearly been arguing and were throwing each other venomous looks and sarky put downs. The table was the size of a place mat, so embarrassingly for me, every time a waiter tried to squeeze past I could feel my knees grazing the inside of Jonathan's thighs. At one point we both drew our chairs in at the same time and my knees gave his genitals a brief, but vigorous massage. Not quite the introduction I was hoping for, but it was the only thing he didn't complain about all night. He was one of those people who whined for a living - nothing like the young funster I'd been led to expect. All around us, the walls were festooned with big plastic feather-trimmed hearts and fake roses, sickly romantic songs were leaking from the ancient stereo - how could love fail to blossom in such a magical setting?
Alison asked if she could have a quick word with me and we tottered off to powder our little snouts. She told me there was something about Jonathan that I had to know. I was intrigued, could the guy actually be interesting? The "thing" turned out to be that he "suffered" from a terrible compulsion to eat his food in alphabetical order! Apparently, he'd had this little idiosyncrasy since childhood, and unbelievably (to me) nobody had thought to beat it out of him. Anyway, it would be appreciated if I didn't comment on the way he re-arranged and ate his meal, because he was very sensitive about it. Had his parents force-fed him too much Alphabet spaghetti? Who knows. By this stage I was already looking for the fire escape.
I noticed that he had no alphabetical issues with drinking, so maybe it was all just conveniently classed under "A" for alcohol. He whimpered on about his ex-fiancée, who in my opinion was probably sensibly curled up with her cat at home, cuddling a magnum of champagne and toasting her own lucky escape from this nutcase. I sat and tried not to watch as he separated his food into neat little piles arranged like the numbers on a clock face, and chowed his way through it all in strict alphabetical order to the accompaniment of LeAnn Rimes squawking "How Do I Live" in the background. I, of course, had to stab at my own hand with my knife at regular intervals to prevent myself from laughing at this nonsense.
As he knocked back the alcohol, Jonathan started to
Alison then said to me "Sandwiches are a minefield for him, you know". But I'd had enough of them all by now, so I told her, "No, a minefield might horribly maim or kill you, what he's frightened off is biting through a slice of cheese and ham at the same bloody time!". I think my lack of sympathy might have killed stone dead any plans she was formulating for a double wedding. All of this happened years ago, but I can still hear her voice in my head saying her freaky brother was "JUST PERFECT" for me.....!
But just in case I've shattered your Valentine Dreams, here to restore warm fuzzy feelings is my favourite Greatest Movie Actor Of All Time - Little Tom "Top Gun" Cruise! I nearly cry with laughter watching this, I LOVE it so much! If you can't bear to watch it all, skip to 2.30 and watch Tom kissing Kelly McGillis. His tongue looks like a reluctant tortoise coming out of hibernation ! Prepare yourself , the passion is overwhelming! If Katie ever wants to divorce him, she just has to show the Judge his kissing technique in this movie and she'll be free before the ink has dried. Then I can get my paws on him!