A LITTLE BIT OF HEAVEN...(if only!)

...AND A BIG HELPING OF HELL..

I've been quite unwell recently, but I still feel obliged to drag my furry carcass over to the keyboard and warn any unsuspecting romantic comedy fans about this travesty of a movie. Even if I only save one of you - it'll be worth it. My TV Guide described this drivel as "a touching romcom", so I sat back and prepared myself to be "touched".  I envisioned  a light-hearted, love conquers all, mildly amusing, slush-fest. Well, that'll teach me to be optimistic about ANY movie starring the emotional wasteland and talentless void, that is Kate Hudson.


In a rancid nut-shell, it was about a committment-phobic young woman called Marley (this name alone, irritated the Hell out of me) with a terminal illness, falling in love with her doctor and facing her impending demise with hilarious one liners and lip quivering bravery. 


She is carefree, works in advertising and has loads of friends and a cute dog. Of course. She may resemble a kangaroo with hair but everybody ADORES her. And why not, she is Kate Hudson Marley! Then she falls ill, and in through the door stumbles our Hero Doctor Gael Garcia Bernal, who looks dazed and bewildered because he can't even locate the Idiot Boards, and boy, does he need them!  He was supposed to be the romantic lead, but he looked like a slow-witted 12 year old who was just learning to speak for the first time. If English isn't his first language, believe me, it's not his second or third either. Clearly his job was to gaze adoringly at Marley while faking some kind of mild concern at her plight. The two of them had the electrifying Sexual Chemistry of 2 stale cupcakes. He's the kind of boy-man that Madonna might contemplate as a mid-morning snack, but seriously, I've had handbags with more testosterone. He also had repulsively shiny lips, jagged teeth and a Hitleresque side-shade. Then there's the fact that he looked so TINY. Now, bearing in mind that this movie also features a male escort who's actually a dwarf, (yes, really!) that's some achievement. I HATED him!

DID YOU STEAL MY LIP-GLOSS, BITCH?

So, we had all the classic ingredients of a Romantic Comedy - a colonoscopy, a cancer diagnosis, and rigorous chemotherapy, but for me the highlight was the chirpy, cheery Marley herself. Especially when she informed her boss of her health issues via a card with this uplifting verse " Roses are red, Violets are blue, I've got ass cancer, Now you know too!"  She was so brave, so stoical, so ANNOYING! As the disease progressed, she simply wore less make-up to look more haggard, but at least this must have left more in the budget to accommodate GGB's out-of-control lip-gloss addiction. Not to mention the industrial strength hair products to keep that crazy extremist side shade in place. Our Heroine's hair remained perfect throughout the movie - no waking up to find hair clumps on the pillow for her! Although at one stage she did wake up to find a naked GGB in front of her, playing enthusiastically with his Yo-Yo. And no - that is not a euphemism! He really was a brilliant, sensitive, lip-gloss loving Doctor with a YO-YO COLLECTION. Further Proof, not that it was needed,  of what a truly complex, fascinating character he was! Yawn.


Marley's best friend and neighbour was Hip, Gay and Black. I think they could have at least also made him a paraplegic to wring more pathos and tears from the situation! He was such a great best friend, because although Marley was dying his main concern for her was her lack of a sex life! So, one evening he ordered a male escort for her. A dwarf male prostitute, whose nickname was "A little bit of Heaven". This was just so heartwarming, I'm tearing up again! I hope when the time comes, we'll all have friends like that  - and that there are enough prostitute dwarfs to go around.


If this wasn't enough, we also had her 'not stereotypical at all' bickering, divorced parents, other irritating, dull friends and lots of poignant shots of her shlumping around in an old cardigan. Even the dog was running out of patience by now. You could see it thinking "Is this bitch ever going to die?" (OK, that was ME thinking that.)


Finally, FINALLY the happy sad day arrived and she just slipped away....to join none other than Whoopi Goldberg in Heaven! Because yes, not content with giving us a moronic script, and cretinous acting they threw in Whoopi in a long white dress as GOD! And you know what happened next, don't you?

MY LITTLE BIT OF HEAVEN!

MEOW!