VICTORIA BECKHAM

SHY WALLFLOWER

What an honour! I've been invited to  interview little Vicky "Bones" Beckham, who, in case you haven't heard is a Very Serious Fashion Designer these days. (So she says, anyway!) I first catch a glimpse of her as she goose steps across the hotel foyer towards the restaurant like the supermodel she clearly thinks she is. I'm still at the bar, busy flirting my way to another cocktail, but duty calls and I reluctantly sling my empty glass aside and slink over to greet her. She nods regally as I deposit my furry ass in a chair opposite her. She is wearing one of her own precious designs of course - a dull, shroud-coloured sheath and peep-toe black boots. Those hideous things must be welded to her legs. What looks like one of  Baby Harper's tiny cardigans completes the look. She carefully arranges her swathe of loosely plaited horse-hair extensions over a bony shoulder and applies a thick coating of lip gloss to her petulant pout. A waiter approaches us and takes Vicky's order. She pretends to consult the menu and orders the Exotic Fruit Platter " but no melon, pineapple, banana, blueberries, kiwi, raspberries, pear, grapes, cherries, nectarines, peaches or mango". I fancy something fruity as well, so I order a bucket of Raspberry Martini. She looks at me disapprovingly, so I tell the waiter "OK, hold the raspberry". If she's willing to risk scurvy so am I.


SULKY:  I know you hate references to your glorious past as a member of the Spice Girls, but can I just say that I don't think you ever got enough credit for being one of the best mime artists of the 90's? Also, the way you always pointed your finger and snarled simultaneously - I can see why dim David fell under your spell.

MIMING AND POINTING !

VB: Yeah, he knew he wanted to marry me as soon as I told him to. Don't forget, I was more famous than he was - all he did was kick a ball around a field while I had the whole world at my feet. He adored me immediately.

SULKY: Belated congratulations on your British Fashion Award. Isn't it amazing that someone like you Vicky, with absolutely no training or educational background in fashion design can somehow win such a prestigious award? I mean, it must be galling to real designers with talent who struggle to find financial backing, that a wealthy, famous celebrity with no tailoring experience, pattern making skills, textile knowledge or in fact, any technical expertise whatsoever could go so far so quickly!

VB: (pouting) Please, call me Victoria! Well, I wouldn't say I had no experience - after all, I've been wearing clothes passionately since I was a baby! Even when I was teething, I was copying baby gro designs and planning world domination. I can't help it if other people are jealous of my brilliant designs!

SULKY: But lets be honest Vic, have you ever even sewed on a button? In your entire life? Have you ever even contemplated it?

VB: My passion for fashion is legendary and while I've never actually threaded a needle all by myself or sewed on one of those button things, I'm very good at finding people who can do this kind of tedious manual labour, while I take all the credit. I have also spent many, many, creatively exhausting hours pulling zips up and down. I deserved that award.

BACK OFF, BITCH!

SULKY: Try telling that to Stella McCartney!  When they called out your name instead of hers, she started foaming at the mouth, and tried to stick a fork in her own neck.  I would have gladly assisted her, because she's another talentless, over-rated waste of space.

Mercifully, a waiter approaches with our order, a nice big cocktail for me and Vicky's Fruit Platter which consists of 6 tiny strawberries. She lifts a strawberry up to her little snout and sniffs. Then she replaces it and sighs contentedly as if she has just consumed a five course meal.

SULKY:  You know, I'm not one bit surprised that you ended up as a brilliant Fashion Designer. Who can forget the wonderful ensembles you used to wear when you weren't really doing anything, but were still desperately trying to stay famous?

PURE CLASS

SHRINKING VIOLET

UNDERSTATED ELEGANCE

VB: That's why I keep telling people that my designs have been a lifetime in the making! I've had years of receiving freebies from designers and I know what women want. They want to look like me, and who can blame them!

SULKY:  We've now had four monotonous years of you recycling versions of Roland Mouret's Galaxy dress - do you think you'll ever come up with an original design of your own? I mean, why would someone pay in excess of £1,000 for one of your knock-offs, when for an extra few quid they can have an original Mouret?

VB: (through gritted little fangs) Just because Roland helped to set up my London Atelier,  and introduced me to his pattern-cutters, his material suppliers and label providers, doesn't mean that he's had any influence on my totally original designs! Where do people get these crazy ideas? I worked my bunions off, forcing that team to come up with my very own unique designs! You've no idea the pressure I put myself under, sitting comfortably at home in LA whilst cracking the whip over them as they slaved away in my little London sweatshop. I am a total perfectionist, which is why my only Muse is always going to be Myself - how many designers can say that? I just want to make women feel beautiful, I want to empower women everywhere!


SULKY: Well, if decades of education and legislation fail, it's good to know that womankind can always rely on one of your rip-off, ugly-zip dresses to make them feel better about their situation. Clearly, you're simply one of life's Givers! I must say, for a woman who's had four tummy tucks children, you're as slender as dental floss. I suppose being pregnant is an extra special time for you -  it must be the only time you get to experience having a full stomach. Do you think you and David have the happiest marriage in Hollywood?

OLD FAITHFUL HIMSELF

VB:  David and I treasure our rock-solid business relationship more now than we ever have! I mean, there's supposed to be a recession, but we are still magnetically financially attracted to each other.We never stop talking about  new and exciting developments with our careers and we always make sure that we have special 'romantic' evenings together with our accountants, when we can discuss in depth any new opportunities to expand our empire and make more millions. We are totally committed to Brand Beckham Limited.

SULKY:  How inconvenient it must be for you both then, to have all these allegations of David being unfaithful. It sounds as if the poor guy can scarcely bend over to tie his shoe laces without some paid-by-the-hour slut alleging that he's been tickling her fancy! How do you cope with all these slurs on Saint David's propensity to stray?

VB: I simply bury my head in a big pile of dollar bills and breathe deeply. And repeat. David would never cheat on the Brand, it would be financial suicide!

SULKY: Maybe you should call your next noxious fragrance Money! Speaking of noxious, lets talk about your recent reunion with the other Spice Girls in London. I say reunion, but really, if you'd stood any further away from them you'd have been in another country. How much do you resent still being contractually obligated to make these appearances with them? I mean, can't they see that you've moved on and are now a Very Important Fashion Designer? If only there had been an Olympic event for Scowling, you'd be festooned in Gold Medals by now!

I'M SPECIAL - THEY AREN'T

VB: I respect the other girls so much! But I do feel some pity for those bitches because none of them have achieved anything like the success that I have. If I could wash my hands of them completely, believe me I would. Of course, I have nothing but fond memories of them. But they are so common and brash, and I am now trying to act so classy and sophisticated ! I simply can't risk my new image being contaminated by their vulgarity!


SULKY: Yes, I think we've all got the message that you think you're Something Special. What do you and David do to relax?

VB: Well, once the kids are locked away with whoever is minding them that day, David likes to sit closeted away with our lawyers and full-time PR team to discuss the most recent  "cheating" allegations in the tabloids, and I like to troll Roland Mouret's new website, just to keep a creative eye on what he's up to. Then I like to check that there are still loads of paparazzi hanging around outside in case I need to go out. Those photos won't take themselves, you know. I find it hard to relax though, because when you're a creative genius like I am, it's hard to stop thinking about making money and being even more famous at every opportunity. We're just a totally normal family really.

SULKY: You recently were credited with saying  "Fashion stole my smile", which made me wonder who the Hell stole your brain and personality ? At this rate there'll be nothing left of you. To be honest, I've seen photos of you smiling and you resemble a constipated rat, so it's a sacrifice I'd like you to continue making. What are your plans for the future?

VB: I'd just like to continue promoting myself even more as a brilliant Fashion Designer, a super-sexy wife and a perfect mother ! Family and health and love and all that stuff is important, I guess, but lets face it - Image is Everything!

OF COURSE I DON'T SWALLOW! 

MEOW!