Monday, October 29, 2012



MONDAY: It has now been over a year since some slutty 22 year old  broke into my darling Ashton's pants and impaled herself on his lap. To think that my Darling Boy spent our 6th Wedding Anniversary in a hot tub being sexually abused by this tramp! He told me he wanted to call the police but she hid his phone, used his tongue as a toothbrush and then made him lead her by the hand to the bedroom.  A 6'2" 33 year old Boy was no match for this determined little strumpet.  Ashton then decided that he would have to leave me for my own good because it just wasn't fair on me having to cope with the pressure of every woman in the world lusting after him.  Thank God, I'm still front page news in the tabloids though. PEOPLE magazine has a great cover photo of me looking super thin and melancholy, but still heart-breakingly beautiful. I can almost hear people asking "Why? Why did Ashton break up with such a perfectly lovely young woman like Demi? Is he a fool?"  Oh, how I miss him. If it wasn't for my faithful Ashton Pillow, I think I'd go crazy. It's just one of Ashton's  shirts stuffed with all of his old socks and beanie hats, but it smells (mostly of other women) and feels (heartless) just like him, so in a way, he's still here with me. (In fact, sometimes I feel we have more meaningful conversations and the sex has definitely improved!). Best of all, this is one Ashton I don't have to share. I have had my fabulous surgeon do a tiny tweak of my nostrils as I worried they were too wide. It's harder to breathe deeply but I look about 5 minutes younger.

Polyester Boyfriend Hug Me Dream Man Arm Bed Bedding Pillow Black Shirt
TUESDAY: Spent 4 hours in my bathroom posing in different bikinis. It's days like these that I really miss Ashton. Who's going to take those carefully staged, yet totally natural shots of me with my ass in the air now?

I  put on my big square spectacles because I had some deep thinking to do and I know that they make me look more intellectual. I practiced a variety of "serious" poses in front of a mirror. Looking beautiful while thinking profound thoughts is a real challenge, because I have to try and scrunch my face up a little and it really messes with my botox regimen. My agent rang about a possible role in some movie about a young girl's traumatic relationship with her mother. It's great that I'm still getting young girl roles! I worry though. I mean, sometimes I wake up feeling 29 but my face is screaming 30! Never mind that my Birth Certificate (the real one) is saying 32 33 34 35, nearly 50,  something else - but I've got that safely wrapped in concrete and buried in my underground safe. Speaking of buried, I'm not saying I'm glad my mother's dead, but let's face it, it's one less person to go running to the press with her version of when I was born! It was a struggle prising the certificate  from her icy dead hands, and  I had to break a couple of fingers (hers, of course) but I think it was worth making the effort for my own piece of mind.

WEDNESDAY: Saw pictures of that old bag Sharon Stone dragging some big hairy toddler around by the hand. Then I realised that it was her "boyfriend"!!!!
Boyfriend?! He's half her age! I mean she must be around 70 and he's what? 25? She must be paying him by the hour. It makes me sick. Maybe he's just a very friendly male psychiatric nurse. I've always thought she needed one. There was a teeny tiny age gap between me and Ashton but nobody ever even noticed it, or mentioned it. Which reminds me, today I'm off to have injections of bat saliva into my neck, and some skunk anal-gland secretions applied to my varicose veins. For some reason every time I hear the term "anal gland", I swoon and think of Ashton.

THURSDAY: I called my agent to ask who they were casting as my Mother in the movie. I had the brilliant idea that Sandra Bullock would be good in the role. My agent was an absolute Bitch and tried to argue that Sandra is actually younger than me!! No way! Anyway they've cast some piece of Disney teenage fluff  in the leading role now and want to know if I'd be interested in the role of her "arthritic, overweight, alcoholic aunt". What? Since when does a Sex Symbol like me play Fat Auntie roles? With my flawless face and body, who would even believe it?  Haven't these people ever seen me in a bikini? I haven't felt this insulted since I heard  rumours that Ashton picked up some girl when we went bowling, and had sex with her on my new sofa. Ashton would never disrespect my new sofa like that. I am thinking of having an ear-lift. It can take years off apparently. It's either that or have a piece of whale-bone grafted onto my jawline. My girls are all visiting me tomorrow night. Thank God, I'll never be one of those sad mothers who are jealous of their daughter's beauty. I can't deny it, my girls look like 3 rancid turnips. And I know that's an insult to turnips everywhere. Well, they can thank their father's genes for that! When we're all together, people keep asking me if I'm adopted.

FRIDAY: If I see one more picture of my Darling in the arms of that man-guzzling, pot-bellied bitch Mila Kunis I will cry tears of blood.  I cannot, CANNOT believe that she has been voted Sexiest Woman Alive!! I would have to be DEAD surely, for that to be true. Am I not the sexiest girl in the world? She has a face like a Pit Bull and dresses like a hobo. How, HOW can she be sexy?
Clearing her line of vision: Mila Kunis had to brush her messy hair from her eyes in Hollywood today

I know Ashton must be simply giving her acting lessons or helping her to hunt down  a hairbrush. I simply don't believe all the rumours and photographs and "caught on film" news items of them kissing and hugging and sitting like Siamese twins joined at the head, every damn, sickening second that they're together. Oh God, I want to kill her! I have now spent 20 minutes punching my Ashton Pillow, and I feel calmer. I remembered to sober up this time and hide the whip-it cans before my 3 little Turnips came calling. I have offered  each of them $100,000 of surgery to try and fix the damage their father's genes have unleashed on them. Now I'm thinking I need to be more generous, there's a lot of work to be done.

SATURDAY:  I have just seen photos of Madonna cuddling her newly adopted son. But he's not her SON - he is apparently her LOVER!!! Dear God, he is about 17 and she is probably in her sixties. She is cavorting around with this "child" shamelessly - he will end up leaving her for a ruthless, hard-faced, scheming 18 year old, no doubt. I should give her agent the name of my surgeon, because she is beginning to bear a startling resemblance to Van Morrison!  If she wants to make a fool of herself over a young boy, that's her lookout. Let's hope it's worth it when he runs off with her daughter. Last night I had a wonderful dream that Mila Kunis lost her pudgy hands in a terrible accident, and she could only touch my Ashton using prosthetic hooks or oven gloves. Karma.  I'm a woman in her prime, and I know he'll come back to me when the time is right. Or when he loses all his money on whores, drugs or poor investments and needs me to bail him out. Love will conquer all. 

My saggy knees are giving me trouble - but only when I look at them. Even though my kneecaps are where my shoulder blades should be, I need to have them lifted again.

SUNDAY: I see that Jennifer Lopez has hired a very young male nanny for the twins. He certainly looks young enough for a play date with them. But NO! He is really a play date for her!  Disgraceful! Why, oh why, can't these foolish women find men their own age to molest? It's pathetic. He is supposed to be a dancer. It will end in tears, I can only hope he doesn't use her for her fame and then chase other women when he's bored with her. At least Ashton loved me for myself, and didn't mean to cheat on me all those times!
A friend has suggested that I go on a date with George Clooney, because I must be the only woman in Hollywood that he hasn't tried to hire as a one-night stand. George Clooney! I mean, he's at least 50! So that's fifty reasons right there why it would never work! He actually flaunts his grey hair and could never make a beanie hat work in a million years. He wears suits for God's sake. He looks like an adult - an OLD adult! No way am I going there, I don't care how much money he offers me. My life is over if I have to start dating old men! I think I need someone who is young and fresh - someone I'll have more in common with. There is a certain someone I have my eye on. Yes, I confess, I have spent a few weeks  minutes looking at Justin Bieber's website. He looks so much like a young Ashton! But with real talent! I just can't get his adorable little face out of my mind, so I think I'll download all his music. Then maybe I'll know what the Hell he's talking about when I get my agent to organise a spontaneous meeting. There's nothing wrong with an experienced but still youthful woman offering spiritual guidance to a young man, who might just need her tender touch! What's more, Justin has far more followers on Twitter than Ashton does! Oh God, I wonder if the name Mrs Bieber has been taken on Twitter yet? I hope I'm not too late.