| IF ONLY! |
Sometimes, celebs are so busy being fake that the truth simply gets lost in their well-rehearsed soundbites. So, just in case you "missed" it, here's what I think some of the precious darlings really meant to say.
| ANNE WHO? |
HUGH JACKMAN: ( on Anne Hathaway) " When we first started to really work together.....I instantly loved her".
TRANSLATION: If I ever have to work with that crazy attention-seeking bitch again, I'll shoot myself in the head. If she wins the Oscar, I'll shoot her first!
BEYONCE: " I now know that, yes, I am powerful - I'm more powerful than my mind can digest and understand"
TRANSLATION: For all my bitching about men defining what's sexy and feminine, I still need to get my "powerful" ass out for those magazine shoots.
KIM: "I love life!"
GWYNETH PALTROW : (on husband, Chris) " I can depend on him. He makes me laugh. He's really appreciative of me. You know, he makes me feel special"
TRANSLATION: Ugh! I HATE him! My lawyers are just putting the final touches to thecontract killing divorce settlement, then I can leave that ungrateful nobody behind forever!
ZAC EFRON: " A woman called me interesting once, and it kind of blew my mind. She said 'You're one of the most interesting people I've ever met' and I was like WOW. I'm still high on that one."
ANNE HATHAWAY: on receiving her Golden Globe - "Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will for evermore use as a weapon against self-doubt".
 |
| Totally Natural Pose |
BEYONCE: " I now know that, yes, I am powerful - I'm more powerful than my mind can digest and understand"
TRANSLATION: For all my bitching about men defining what's sexy and feminine, I still need to get my "powerful" ass out for those magazine shoots.
| I need more ME in my life! |
KIM: "I love life!"
TRANSLATION: I love MY life - yours is probably Krap! You can keep it.
| ME SPECIAL - YOU NOT! |
GWYNETH PALTROW : (on husband, Chris) " I can depend on him. He makes me laugh. He's really appreciative of me. You know, he makes me feel special"
TRANSLATION: Ugh! I HATE him! My lawyers are just putting the final touches to the
 |
| ME = GORGEOUS |
ZAC EFRON: " A woman called me interesting once, and it kind of blew my mind. She said 'You're one of the most interesting people I've ever met' and I was like WOW. I'm still high on that one."
TRANSLATION: The fact that she had to be knocked out with a tranquilliser dart and manhandled back into her straitjacket, will never take away from the fact that one person in the whole universe found me interesting for five seconds! Hopefully she also noticed my pretty eyes, my shiny hair and my sexy smile. Thanks Mom!
 |
| FAME HUNGRY |
ANNE HATHAWAY: on receiving her Golden Globe - "Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will for evermore use as a weapon against self-doubt".
TRANSLATION: Don't even think about not giving me my that Oscar, because I will track you all down individually and shove this blunt instrument where the sun doesn't shine. Nobody doubt that!
MADONNA:" Sometimes, you have to be a bitch to get things done."
| Sn..aarr..rrrlll |
MADONNA:" Sometimes, you have to be a bitch to get things done."
TRANSLATION: I play to my strengths....
LANCE ARMSTRONG: "I view the situation as one big lie that I repeated a lot of times"
 |
| Not sorry AT ALL! |
LANCE ARMSTRONG: "I view the situation as one big lie that I repeated a lot of times"
TRANSLATION: Just ONE big lie sounds better than nearly two decades worth. And it still didn't work! So annoying! Ah well, they'll get over it.
JESSICA SIMPSON: "Just so everyone knows.... Weight Watchers hasn't put ANY pressure on me. I'm trying to be as healthy as I can be for myself and I feel great!
NIGELLA LAWSON: " And when you see me getting on a bus it is very much a real bus, but one that we've hired, not one which is taking people to work in rush hour!"
 |
| "$%*! Weight Watchers!" |
JESSICA SIMPSON: "Just so everyone knows.... Weight Watchers hasn't put ANY pressure on me. I'm trying to be as healthy as I can be for myself and I feel great!
TRANSLATION: Of course I feel great - they're paying me a fortune to lose weight, while I'm eating for two! No way are they getting that $4 million back!!!
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: "I could count my friends on one hand".
 |
| DIMBERLAKE |
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE: "I could count my friends on one hand".
TRANSLATION: If only I could count! I'm as dense as a Mississippi Mud Pie.
| I'm just like you! |
NIGELLA LAWSON: " And when you see me getting on a bus it is very much a real bus, but one that we've hired, not one which is taking people to work in rush hour!"
TRANSLATION: Of course it's all fake, you idiots! As if I'd be seen dead on a grotty bus with the hoi polloi! So what if I pay other people to create recipes - where else would I get them? Now, shut up, love my luscious womanly curves and buy the bloody book!
CINDY CRAWFORD: " I think confidence and passion are the two things that make women most beautiful".
 |
| Think positive! |
TRANSLATION: But until that actually happens to me, I'll rely on minor surgery, lasers, botox and fillers thank you very much!
MEOW!
MEOW!
I think your versions are probably closer to the truth. Too funny!
ReplyDeleteI kept one paw on the Celeb Bible while I typed - It's all true!
Deletesnickering out loud, luff your work x
ReplyDeleteIt's become a vocation FF, I think I've found my calling!
DeleteHow very dare you disrespect my beloved Nigella! She is everything that is pure, womanly, full fat and with added salt. And I love her I tell you! Sob sob sob...
ReplyDeleteHa!Her head bobs around like a balloon tethered to a flag pole. Very disconcerting. I hate all that coy lip-licking and pretend fridge-raids. Now I will be found lying at the bottom of the stairs with a pound of butter lodged in my throat.
DeleteThank goodness you're willing to translate for us, Sulky Kitten!
ReplyDeleteMy skills as an interpreter finally put to good use!
DeleteFurball you are on fire!
ReplyDeleteI will be, literally, if Ms Hathaway catches me!
DeleteThank you for the laughs on the end days of my FLU plague. : ) Hope you are feeling better by now?? xo
ReplyDeleteMild sniffles, but I can still run my damp paws over the keyboard!
DeleteYou tell it like it is, Sulky! But watch your back. One of these fakaroonis might have a contract out on you. I wouldn't put it past Madonna to do that. I liked like a lunatic with that first photo of Batman slapping his sidekick! And of course, I snorted with Lance Armstrong. One big lie, my ass. Many, many lies over many, many years...the moron.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wonder what some celebrities were like before they hit big. Well, not all of them, since some grew up privileged to begin with. But what about the ones that made it on their own? And particularly the ones that come from very humble beginnings. What were they like before Hollywood? Inquiring mind tonight...
That Lance has all the charm of a sociopath. I think a tiny minority remain true to themselves and try and stay normal but a lot of them succumb to all the sycophancy and Yes people.
Deletehaha so right....especially Gwynnie, Madonna and Krappy Kim!
ReplyDeleteSoon every word will start with a K!
DeleteClear vision. Now if you'd only translate political speech for us.
ReplyDeleteI'll get started on the Inauguration speech!
DeleteO gosh (rolling on the floor laughing).. Beyonce and Cindy are my especial favourites lol.. O! you know what, I saw this just recently and immediately thought of you, and how you would make absolute cat food out of her.. Have you heard of Kate Upton? Well, for whatever reason, she's suddenly hit it big in the world of high fashion, and I saw her hanging out (literally) in a copy of US Vogue (she's on British and Italian Vogue now I think). I looked her up online and one of the first things I found was this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCUnWIs88CQ Yup.
ReplyDeleteWell, there's a talent! I was just reading about the creepy sounding Terry Richardson as well!
DeleteWould have been here sooner, but I missed you in my feed somehow.
ReplyDeleteLOL!! One of your very best, Sulky :) And you hit it out of the park with Lance Armstrong - exactly how I suspect that arrogant worm thinks.
That interview with Oprah! The only thing he regretted was getting caught. A compulsive liar, for sure.
DeleteMeow..you've nailed these celebs perfectly. Madonna only does have that one strength doesn't she?? Lance Armstrong belongs in jail, the jerk. You were way too kind on him.
ReplyDeleteI thought about removing his other testicle without an anaesthetic!
DeleteGood Kitty, glad to see you're at it again! tee hee - Would it be un-Australian of me to say I've always thought Hugh Jackman just a bit too good to be true? thought so ...
ReplyDeleteOh, I agree, he is MUCH too Happy Clappy for my liking. I always think people who are that cheerful must be absolute nightmares at home when their real personality comes out to play.Cannot understand why he is so popular, and why women think he's so great. A consummate Faker!
DeleteThey're just insignificant fluff...the hair-brained hairballs of life.
ReplyDeleteCough them up Sulky!
That's why some of my hairballs are the size of beach balls!
ReplyDeleteHello SK:
ReplyDeleteOh how we wish we had absolutely no idea about whom you are writing here....but, alas, we do!!!
You have captured most perfectly what we have long believed to be the case. Behind those false smiles are porcelain capped shark's teeth just waiting to sink into their unsuspecting victims. But please, dearest SK, do not let the celebs discover your real persona, those jaws are not just made for talking!!!!
Luckily for me these celebs view any attention (even my claw-paws) as a positive! Although I'm sure Lance Armstrong wouldn't think twice about tanning my furry hide with his bicycle pump!
DeleteIf only I were able to know who all these celebs are...only recognize with one hand´s fingers.
ReplyDeleteKinda relating to Justin Timberlake on this one, hahaa ; ).
Believe me,even if your brain fell out of your head, you could never be as dense as Justin. You have loads of bloggie friends/admirers, Mette - one hand would never be enough!
DeleteLOL! I love your take on Nigella because I think she is really fake. Saw her having a hissy-fit in a restaurant and it really put me off her.
ReplyDeleteAlso love the Madonna translation.
So funny. How do you think up all of these? xx
Saint Nigella having a hissy fit? No! Oooohhhh! Ha! Obviously,in what little time I have, I like to kick my Wittgenstein and Spinoza to the curb (Kurb - thanks Kim) and really get to grips with my Malicious Gossip Weekly!!
DeleteHilarious as always, and have never gotten Justin Timberlake - at all.
ReplyDeleteMe neither. His voice is the musical equivalent of having a 6 inch rusty nail driven into your eardrum.
DeleteSulky! Oh my dear you made my day AGAIN. I was still laughing about Stella and now I get this treat. Hahahahahaha! Krap!
ReplyDeleteHa! Soon every C word will begin with a K in honour of the K Klan!
DeleteThe K-Klan desperately need the Sulky treatment!
DeleteYou had me at "C word." Oh, excuse me...did I say that? I must have misunderstood. :)
DeleteHa! It's so good to have kompany in the gutter that passes for my mind!
DeleteDoes that make us alley Kats rather than pampered pusses?
DeleteThat makes us komrade kitties, katalysts in the fight against the katostrophic K Klan. Paws up!
DeleteHello Sulky
ReplyDeleteSo it is not just Lance (Armstrong) (not Hattatt) who likes to tell lies. They can't pull the fluff balls over your eyes dearest Sulky. If Lance even tries to whack you with his bike pump, I shall send my dog Spice Girl on him.
Thank you, Helen - and if he wants to hang on to that other testicle, he'll back off!
DeleteAnother SK classic!! Oh how I have missed you...I sooo needed this little fur flying mini-manifesto as a respite from piles of work that loom before me on my desk and on email today...btw..all your translations were purrfection but the one about Anne Hathaway...she really HAS drunk from the Hollywood punchbowl!! I find her so annoying and self-important now that she has "made" it!
ReplyDeleteJust seeing Anne Hathaway's name and the word 'punch' in the same sentence, makes me so happy!
DeleteTee hee hee... Is it me or is everyone just sick on Annie Go-away? I wonder what will happen if she doesn't win the Oscar. Oh right, she'll probably start trying for babies. Meow!
ReplyDeletex.o.x.o
She starts those pregnancy rumours herself! If she doesn't win that Oscar,her fury will cause the San Andreas Fault to rupture, Hollywood will go up in flames and whoever does win it will have to go into protective custody - immediately.
Deletehahaha... so glad I came across this blog! Funny post, and right on man. Seriously... following!!
ReplyDeletebecks
http://fabulous-junk.blogspot.com
you are fabulous - i just found you and i am going to keep you.
ReplyDelete( In the way that you keep blogs that is...)
this made me laugh out loud. i really needed it as well - been a long day. Thanks so much.
You're welcome!
ReplyDelete