DRESSING TO THRILL..(or not!)

DEMURE IN DENIM

One of my favourite commenters, Kathy Peck, ( whom a lot of you know) mentioned on Dani BP's brilliant blog that she didn't own any tweed clothing because "it reminds my husband of his mother (not in a good way, and btw it's a long list of what I don't wear because of her)". Meow, meow, Kathy - I hear you! I desperately wanted to know what other sartorial forbidden fruit she was missing from her wardrobe due to the lovely David's maternal sensitivities and begged her to tell me. She suggested I take a guess - and so I have done just that! Here's hoping that David (and his mother) forgive me !

THE DRESS

I'm guessing that when it comes to evening wear David is on his knees begging you not to go all Barbara Bushy on him!  He won't like you trussed up in very heavy, stiff, formal attire and reeking of Eau de Fusty. He definitely won't want to feel that he's on a hot date with his own mother. Not when you could be sashaying around in stripper heels and your slinky rubber Cat Woman suit, flicking your little whip over his lusty loins! (Don't even think about telling me you have no such suit!)

THE HAIR

Here we have the Duchess of Kent working a swept back hairdo. This is the kind of hair that looks as if it was carved from granite. Maybe this is what inspired David to take up sculpture? This is the one thing that could have withstood Super Storm Sandy's vicious assault on the east coast, so I think this is the kind of hairstyle that David's mother might have. But David doesn't want this for you Kathy! He wants to be able to run his long, sensuous artist's fingers through your luscious locks with abandonment - not feel as though he's mangled them in a cement mixer. David will have to insure his hands for squillions if you ever opt for this barnet. Think of the premiums!

THE PEARLS

I'm thinking David's mother is the kind who wears her pearls and a tiara to bed, just so that she can clutch them dramatically even in her sleep.  And to let the servants know that she is still in charge, even while she slumbers. So David can probably do without this reminder of  his Mother when he's hovering over you romantically, hoping that tonight he's going to get laid lucky! Stuff the heavy duty necklaces under your mattress, and try to spare David's feelings - it's like holding a crucifix up to a Vampire.

 BIG, BOLD & GOLD (UGH!)

I'm guessing David will throw a fit if you even think about adorning your earlobes with this type of knuckleduster earring! He prefers your ears bare- naked, for frenzied lobe-licking sessions in the back row at the cinema. Because of his Mother's penchant for them, big, crazy, hideous earrings scare the Hell out of David, so just don't go there! If you simply can't help yourself, I think Chanel sell Vicuna wool Ear-Lobe covers for a mere $1,000 each, so get yourself a flesh-coloured pair and cover up those big dazzling diamond clusters when he's around. It's called "showing compassion for your man" Kathy.

KISS, KISS

I'll bet David's Mother LOVES a  day-glo orange lipstick! In her head, it's still the 1970's so she'll still be pulling on a  muumuu and sweeping some orange wax across her lips to enjoy a few cocktails and canapés on a Friday evening. This is her idea of relaxing. If you try swanning around indulging in any of this nonsense yourself, David will be horrified and need electric shock therapy. Again.

SHAPEWEAR

Hearing his mother's tortured squeals as she valiantly fought her way into her girdle, scarred the Boy David for life. He won't want to see or hear you suffer the same fate. A girdle is David's Goliath. Even seeing an innocent pair of Spanx breaks him out in a cold sweat, so just put those shoulders back, suck in that tummy and break out the gold and diamante thongs. For the love of God, just give him what he wants, he'll thank me you!

 TWEEDY TOGS

David probably has treasured memories  of his dear Mama going on a mission in her finest Battle-Axe Tweed suits. When Mother dressed like this it only meant one thing -   some man was going to be on the wrong end of a Good Thrashing! Now, when David sees any woman dressed like this, it evokes unpleasant memories of being cuffed around the ears and a censorious voice telling him to stop snivelling. (of course this is also something he may have grown to like, in which case, carry on!).

 REAL FUR

Now Kathy, when David says that he loves you to look a little Foxy - this isn't what he means. David's mother probably wore so many fur stoles he probably thought he actually was a fox cub until he was 5. Yes, he will love you coiling yourself around his neck from time to time, but you must make every effort to show that you're still breathing. If he ever strokes your hair and compliments you on your beautiful brush, it's too late. He'll be in a catatonic trance thinking about the times he "accidentally" locked himself in his mother's wardrobe with all her furry coats and stoles. I'm guessing that even now, he's a bit of a sly stroker. Lucky you!

Ha! Of course I'm only kidding - apologies to David! I'd be surprised if I got even one thing right. So Kathy - spill the beans! I need to know, don't keep me in cruel suspense. In fact I'm sure everyone wears something that their other half absolutely despises and would love to chuck on to a bonfire. Although I know most of you ladies would rather pierce your jugular with  nail scissors than wear anything ugly or unbecoming, there must be something that makes your other half roll their eyes to the back of their head and foam at the mouth?

GO FOR IT!

 And don't say a stack of unpaid bills or a cattle prod!  So, come on, out with it! I want to know what your other half absolutely despises, but that you just can't part with. (Or something that your other half wears that you'd like to burn?)

I'll set the ball rolling - Mr. Sulky HATES me wearing jeans with any kind of rip or tear in them. I mean it's not as if I'm casually strolling around with my furry ass hanging out like Pamela Anderson, on my way to an audience with the Pope, so I don't see the problem. (Indignant sniff) In retaliation, I refuse to let him wear any type of cardigan - EVER! I hate to see a man of any age in a cardigan. It just crushes my soul, so I can't allow it to happen. Please just be honest, and even if you never comment, don't hold back. Nobody ever reads this blog anyway, so your dirty little secrets are safe with me!

MEOW!