Just as I'm about to enter the luxurious penthouse suite where Beyoncé is staying, I think I hear the sound of a fleet of helicopters landing on the hotel roof. Then I remind myself that it's probably just Queen Bey revving up her flotilla of wind machines to get that weave-wig combo of hers a-dancin' and a-prancin' around her shoulders like a hairy halo. I know that she loves to look like she's standing in the middle of a tornado at all times. A tornado of adoration and praise. I lick my paws, slick back my gin-soaked, furry ears and hope I can live up to her expectations. One of her subjects leads me over to her as she sits curled up in her favourite "so vulnerable" pose on the over-sized sofa. She motions for me to sit on a footstool opposite her. Underneath her two weaves, a full wig, four layers of artfully applied industrial strength make-up and a fake smile, I suspect that she is someone you wouldn't look twice at even if she was saving your life.
SULKY: It's a pleasure to meet you Beyoncé. Now, will you actually be speaking live to me or will you be lip-synching to pre-recorded answers?
BEYONCE: (massive hair flip) Ah'll be tawkin' to yuh fur reeal, Sulkeh! Straight from mah big ol' harrrt! Ah feeyul so fagile 'bout evrathin' because....to quote mahself, mah soul has bin tarnished.
SULKY: Jesus! Can we get an interpreter? Look Beyoncé, I love a Southern accent, but listening to yours is like having my ears sandblasted. Do you gargle with gravel? I know you've spent most of your life singing, but didn't anybody try to address your poor enunciation?
BEYONCÉ: Mah nunshi-what? Mah soul is still tarnished! Write thet down!
SULKY: You make Forest Gump sound like a Rhodes Scholar!
BEYONCÉ: Ah feeyul.....hurrt that you're nat seein' mah true perfection! Ahm so fragile! Ahm such a private person, ah struggle with revealin' mahself to people. It's so harrrd.
|SHY & PRIVATE|
SULKY: Really? I've just been watching your documentary Life Is But A Dream. Not many
BEYONCÉ: Ah feeyul....ah jest wanted the world to see that after mah break-up with mah dad that ah was still fabulous and current. People wondered why I had to let him go as mah manager. Ah needed to smell the
|YOU'RE SACKED DADDY!|
SULKY: So, are you saying that the split had nothing to do with him cheating on your mom? Or having a child with another woman? Or allegedly dipping his sticky fingers into the Beyoncé Billion Dollar Piggy Bank when nobody was looking?
BEYONCÉ: Nuthin' at all! We both needed boundaries. It wuz harr..rrd.
SULKY: I love how you complain about people being brainwashed about celebrities and then you come out with the most obvious attempt at brainwashing I've seen in years. I especially liked all those hilarious video diary entries of yourself in your fully made up "no make-up" face telling us in that dramatic, throaty little whisper all about how vulnerable and scared you feel. There must be saner people locked up!
BEYONCÉ: Ah was jest tryin' to show mah thoughts and emoticons! Ah needed to discover who ah really am. People are brainwashed into believin' lies about me and ah wanted to show them mah truth. Ah wanted everybody to git to see how sensitive and tortured ah am emotionally. Ah need people to see thet ahm jest like them - except ahm more talented and betteh than them. But still humble - so very humble.
SULKY: Do you and Jay-Z ever look at each other, and ask "How the hell did two boring, mumbling, dullards like us ever get to be this rich and famous?" Have you thought about officially changing your names to Jay-Zzzzz & Beyawncé, or are you just thankful that people keep buying into it?
BEYONCÉ: Jay has taught me so much. He showed me how to be an artist, how to manipulate the media, and how to make more money. He says thet nobody can hair-flip and shake-ass like me and I believe him. I hope and pray that our business merger will continue for many years.
SULKY: You were criticised for miming at Obama's inauguration ceremony. How did that make you feeyul?
BEYONCÉ: Ah felt like..um... It wuz harrrd! I jest didn't have enough time to practice. I was tryin' to learn the word inag....inog... inig...inugurashun that week. That is a BIG word! Ah struggled bravely with it and so ah didn't have time to practice mah singin' as well. Anyway, true professionals always mime to a backin' track!
SULKY: We're not quite sure how, but you now have a daughter. Were you upset by all the fake pregnancy rumours?
BEYONCÉ: It wuz CRAZY - of course ah was preygnant! Ah told everybody a little story about mah previous imaginary miscarriage as well to make them feel extra sorry for doubting me! Ah even went the extra mile and showed a grainy silhouette of some preygnant woman to prove that I was really, really preygnant. What more could I do to prove it?
SULKY: How about a film of you actually giving birth called Life Is But A Scream? I'm afraid showing yourself standing with a slightly bloated belly after a heavy lunch isn't going to cut it for all those doubting, suspicious bitches. (like ME!)
BEYONCÉ: But ah gained nearly 60lbs with that preygnancy, I sacrificed mah perfect figure for that baybeh!
SULKY: Well, next time wear a lighter prosthetic!
SULKY: I'm not surprised you agreed to a televised interview with Oprah because she is one of the best Ass-Kissers in the business. She called you the "pre-eminent mistress of the universe" and said that when you
BEYONCÉ: Ah love Oprah! She always smothers me with compliments and praise and talks about me like ahm a walkin,' singin,' dancin' miracle!
SULKY: Well, I need to go and have my ears syringed and self-medicate with a few cocktails now but before I
BEYONCÉ: Ahm jest blessed, I guess. But ah try to stay humble and modest ...it's harr..rrdd! Ahm jest the same as any other woman, except I guess ahm more beautiful... and rich... and famous... and talented...it's jest so saaad that other women can't be me. Ah feel their pain! I'm gonna go film mah pain now for mah video diary....