Thursday, July 11, 2013

BABY NORTH WEST

HER MOTHER'S DAUGHTER!
I know she's only a few weeks old but little kNorth West is already posing for her first photo shoot and I wanted to get in there fast before they started grooming her for the Playboy Mansion and Hugh Hefner's 100th birthday present. So, after robbing a bank, selling the family silver and renting my womb out to Beyoncé, I finally had enough kash in my paws to interview her. As soon as her loving, caring Grandma stashed the dollars down her cleavage we were good to go.

 The first thing I notice is that the poor thing has inherited her mother's porky trotters and charming nostrils. She is sitting propped up on a pile of pillows while a make-up artist applies shading to her nose and a sprinkling of glitter to give it a more streamlined appearance.

THE MOTHER HOOF


SULKY: Well, you're the first baby I've interviewed so lets get cracking before you start bawling for food or fall asleep.

BABY: Eat? Sleep? As if! Don't worry, I've got my first magazine cover coming up soon so they've put me on a low-carb diet. And I'm only allowed to sleep when Kim's awake! She needs her beauty sleep. I'm only a helpless newborn but apparently I must try and understand her needs and put them first. 

SULKY: Kim's just great at understanding her own needs and putting them first. But I don't know if there's enough beauty sleep in the world to help her catch up. So what does she do when your crying disturbs her?

BABY: How would I know - she's never there!  They have nurses to take care of all the "ugly business" like pooping and peeing and burping and crying, not just for Kanye but for me as well....I've only seen her twice since my arrival. The day I was born and yesterday, when she trotted in to see if I clashed with her shoes.

SULKY: What was the birth like? Was Kim howlin' like a wolf? 

BABY: It was traumatic. I'd just poked my head and shoulders out when she screamed at me to "get back in there" because her make-up needed re-touching. Kanye was pacing the floor like any nervous father because he had a plane to catch and he was pissed because he couldn't believe how somebody else in the same room as him kept getting more attention. He had a microphone and kept shouting "what about me? what about me?" at the doctors. Then as soon as I popped out, he ranted that all the medical staff should give him an award for being the 'Best Ever Most Godlike Superior Supreme Father in the World'. Kim was in tears because she felt that her hair had gone flat and so the doctors left me to count my own fingers and toes to tend to her hair emergency.

SULKY: Why don't you call them Mommy and Daddy?

BABY: I'll call them Mommy and Daddy when they start acting like a Mommy and Daddy. Until then I'll refer to them kollectively as The Klowns. I've already hired a lawyer with a view to emancipation. Why wait?  

THE KLOWNS

SULKY: What's it like having the world's two biggest narcissists as parents?

BABY: It's been tough! Kim has a crib in her room but her make-up artist sleeps in it, and Kanye is mentally strung out because he's the World's Greatest Creative Genius and has just finished designing a clothing line consisting of a hoodie, a sock and a pair of jeans. It took him 3 years because he's such a relentless perfectionist. It must be exhausting to have that much talent in one person. Then there's his music. He has instructed my nurses to play his songs all day long. We are all going slowly crazy, but to soothe me they have been reading me comforting bedtime stories about children who won emancipation from their parents.

SULKY: What did they say when they first held you in their arms?

BABY: Oooh,I'll have to get back to you on that big moment when it actually happens - it's only been a few weeks, they need time to adjust. I think Kanye didn't want to get any stains on his self-styled ostrich feather t-shirt and Kim was having a tummy-tuck but I did hear her say "Thank God, she's not as hairy as  Khloe". I was glad too, because I could see straightaway that Aunt Khloe had more fur than a Pomeranian. 

AUNT KHLOE
 I think they're hoping I'll be as smart as Kourtney. She's the only member of the family who's ever managed to pronounce a word with six syllables. I think it was a fluke because she has about as much intelligence and linguistic dexterity as a glove puppet. 

SULKY: Are you happy with the name they gave you?

BABY: I suppose it's marginally better than the one they were going to call me - Kash-Kow!

SULKY: So has your Grandma Kris been spending time with you?

BABY: Grandma? She introduced herself as my agent! That bitch started producing contracts for me to sign before Kim had even chewed through the umbilical cord. I think she used my placenta as an inkwell. She even stole the stem cells from my cord to use in a face cream she's promoting. So, that cold-hearted, money-grabbing shark is my darling Grandma! Thanks for the tip-off.

GRANDMA KRIS !
SULKY: Are you looking forward to being a reality star?

BABY: I'm not so keen on the fake tan and the eyelash extensions, but I suppose I'll get used to it. I just didn't expect to have to work so hard at such an early age. I have a fragrance to promote, a work-out DVD and there's talk of a baby weight-loss supplement. I'm also working on my first book called  My Life as a Baby and Kanye wants to produce my first record with me doing vocals and rattle. Then I need to get started on a clothing line.

SULKY: You'll probably make your first million before the end of the month.

BABY: Well, I just don't want to end up like Suri Cruise - I mean she's now 7 years old, but what has she actually achieved with her life? Nothing! She just stands in the street eating cupcakes! She hasn't even brushed her hair in three years. And Harper Beckham! Another pathetic low achiever who has only smiled cutely once in her whole life. Wake up and smell the money!

SULKY: So you're happy to follow in your mother's hoof-steps?

BABY: I just hope I'm as versatile as she is. My agent, sorry Grandma!, said that Kim got famous by making a movie - that was her big breakout moment. I haven't seen the movie yet and it sounds odd because apparently there was only one other actor in it! But she must have been brilliant because apparently it made a ton of money. I've also just heard that George Clooney has sacked his latest girlfriend so maybe when he's around 70 I can get that role. I'm learning to plan ahead!

MEOW!



68 comments:

  1. KNorth, I nearly fell off my Kseat at that!

    Good to see you back, delighted that you will surprise and delight us with a pop up Sulky from time to time.

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    1. I think Halley's Comet shows up on the radar more often than I do!

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  2. Laughing out Loud here, you clever little kitty. Even HB thinks North West is just about the stupidist name EVER, even in Hollywood... Love the little glitter snout and the Mother hoof: priceless! Insightful interview, as always Miss Sulky.. xxxx

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    1. To think they're calling her 'Nori' for short.... only the K Klan would have a shortened form of a name which actually has more syllables than the original. And isn't nori a type of seaweed wrapper for sushi? x

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  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
    That Ktrotter photo, all squeezed into that Kshoe and all. THE HORROR!

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  4. Sulky! Hahaha! You've got me roaring with laughter here!

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  5. Sorry I rarely like to write it but LOL LOL! Great stuff as always Sulky :D

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    1. With Kanye's love of capital letters, I'm surprised they didn't call her LOL!

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  6. Hello Sulky

    Your ability to observe and predict are sharp. I shall not be able to look at George Clooney without thinking of his future girlfriend, sporting a hoodie, a sock and high heels.

    Have a brilliant week

    Helenxx

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    1. He needs me to hire the next "girlfriend"!

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  7. Gawd, you're RIGHT about the trotters, LOL!

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  8. OH I WAS WAITING FOR THIS!! LOL Love it Sulky! Best one yet!

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  9. Coffee snorting out of my nose as I read this roaring with laughter. Perfection.

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    1. I hope you don't mind, but I gave the little hoofed-one your address and told her you'd give her sanctuary..x

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  10. Hilarious. And you've nailed Grandma Kris perfectly. Wickedly perfect. And those feet/hooves. Ouch and just nasty looking.

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    1. She'll be the reason that kid will be an expert in projectile vomiting!

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  11. Still think Blanket Jackson takes the cake with the most absurd name. North West is just stupid...it's like Phillip Phillips...their kid is going to hate them.

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    1. Even Blankie would have been better...

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  12. I'm not much of an LOL-er but may I just say, LOL! So funny..the makeup artist in the crib, baby weight-loss supplement, Suri Cruise...all of it!

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  13. But you know it's all completely TRUE, Adrienne!

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  14. Hahaha...I never really paid attention to the trotters and nostrils! But now I won't be able to think about anything else with this family :) You are in fine form, Sulky! Nice to see a post from you :)

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    1. But I know I've deeply insulted innocent piglets everywhere!

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  15. Im tired of you paparazzi making fun of my hooves/ weight when ive just had a baby. Havent you people heard of water retention?
    And Baby K, am sorry you feel this way. I promise i'll always be there for (as long as i dont have any allergic reactions to you like that kitten i had for a few weeks last year- what was his name again?) I'll even let you have Sundays off. Ps will have to look into getting a gag order against u if you keep defaming the family this way!

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    1. Don't remind me - that little kitty is now deceased!

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  16. oh thank you thank you thank you thank you

    going back to read it again

    thank you thank you thank you

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    1. I can tell you love them as much as I do!

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  17. Rather than Nori why not Noro? Soo much funnier to name your child after a vomit inducing virus.
    Good to see you back in action, you intrepid kitten reporter.

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    1. Ha! I'd rather keep company with a virus than a Kardashian. Less vomiting!

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  18. Aha, so all it took was the birth of Nori for you to come back to your old celeb interviewing days! I'm so glad you're out of hibernation Sulky. Did you and baby have sushi nori during the interview? I'm at somebody else's office and I'm laughing out loud reading this. They said I'm not allowed back in again! Hahaha. They were just really taking the piss with that name. She'll be on her way to the Deed Poll office before she turns a year old! x

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    1. Ha! I think we bonded...once I started topping up her water bottle with neat gin! I think the Deed Poll office have already drawn up the papers...

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  19. THIS was hilarious...and again, the first tabloid I have read about the blessed event. Thanks to you for always getting the real scoop. I read this while eating breakfast...thank goodness I was alone. xo. (hahaha...used my placenta as ink...George Clooney's girlfriend at 70--this will have me laughing all day).

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    1. I almost envy your ability to remain untainted by this krap! Stay pure!

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  20. i am seriously, who in the world name their kid "north"??????? My husband an I started discussing what we should name our child, if we ever have one... we were between Hemorrhoid and Sinusitis...

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  21. Some of these celeb baby names are just horrendous,the parents should be horsewhipped.

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  22. I was right, you have not been lazy, you´ve done an interview. A witty one. A true, yet a sad one ( thinking about the baby, her future ).
    As usual, these celebs are quite distant for me. Only George Clooney rang bells. So he is wild prey once again...

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  23. So, George Clooney rings bells for you...! Mette I haven't been able to comment on your blog, do you have the comments turned off?

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    1. No, I am confused now by the trouble people have reaching my blog. Especially so, as I have no clue how to help you.
      Have you tried entering my blog via someone else´s blog. There are a few others too having had the same problem.
      Deja Pseu has my blog on her list, as does hostess and tishjett, Darla.
      I´ll have to do some homework on this. Sorry.

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    2. Tried those methods, still no luck. Check that you haven't inadvertently switched commenting off.

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    3. Like Sulky have tried all your suggestions with no luck,is it just the UK bloggers/followers having this problem?

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  24. You DO know that shoes like that are called "pickled pigs feet shoes"...and when you have seen a jar of pickled pigs feet you can understand why. :)

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    1. As pigs everywhere take to the streets in protest at being linked to a Kardashian!

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  26. Thought I left a post yesterday,I blame the heat for rotting the brain,plus all that rolling about yesterday snorting like a pig at your wit!!


    If you have any luck with Mette's comments let me know,even her emails are being returned to moi,think maybe she has banished me!!!!!!

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    1. Perhaps her internet is down...it's unusual not to hear anything from her with no explanation.If it was just a problem with her own blog, she would have mentioned it on someone else's blog. So it must be a general internet problem. Detective Sulky is on the case!

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    2. Glad you are on the case,Miss Marples seems to have lost her touch,I blame the heat.

      Yep, could be the internet is down,but unusual to last 5 days.

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    3. I have now accessed Mette's blog via another browser - Internet Explorer. So you could give that a go.

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  27. KLEVER @ KATTY! PRRR..FECT! :)

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    1. If I'm found at the bottom of a well,check out Kim & Kanye's fingernails for white fur....

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  28. Look out homies...baby South East Cambridge is on the way!

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    1. Ha!But Baby kNorth West will be the one getting all the cover shoots in a zebra print bikini!

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  29. Kash KOW, oh my god, I had to pick myself off the floor after reading this!! So FUNNY!! You have outdone yourself, careful the WESTS might get after you!! HIDE, Sulky Kitten!!!

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    1. Thank God the only thing they want to look at is a mirror....I'm safe until it breaks!

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  30. Did you say Pig Trotters? hahahahha Good lord.. I'm at that age when I laugh so hard, I damn well better cross my legs. Welcome back Sulk !

    Bonnie

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    1. Be thankful that crossing your legs still works! it ain't pretty beyond that...great to hear from you, Princess!

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  31. O hahahahaha... "The Klowns"!! O Sulky, you are a klever krazy kool kat!

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  32. Another fine interview by Sulky! You sure know to ask the right questions.... :)

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  33. LOL LOL LOL!!!! Haven't read anything this funny in a while, almost woke the wee one up. Oh Sulky how I've missed you! Calling your kid after sushi (Nori) and cardinal directions is just plain silly, poor kid. As for that hoof image, hilarious!

    x

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  34. So happy to have you back in town. As I have both the chubby and chooky feet I can't criticise, but Of kcourse, will k-do!

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