Tuesday, October 15, 2013

MIRANDA KERR - MISS MODESTY


I'm Perfect. You? Not so much....!


A while ago one of the world's most beautiful women begged me to interview her. I hesitated, because I didn't know if there existed a potent enough cocktail on the planet to render me insensate enough to endure being in the same room as her for longer than 5 seconds. So, not wishing to make little Flynn an orphan, I politely declined. Thus spurned, the attention seeking little madam ran off to Cosmopolitan magazine instead and hustled her ass and her skincare range for all she was worth.

Here's some of the wisdom and profundity from that interview that she had to share with us all - closely followed by my interpretation of it. Let me be the furry bridge between what she said and what she was really thinking.

"Models are some of the world's most insecure people I've ever met. They're constantly being told they're not good enough. You've really got to practice loving yourself ".

Yeah right!  Why the hell would a gorgeous, perfect, pouting specimen like ME ever feel insecure? As if! And when it comes to "loving yourself" remember, I invented the concept. And it's something I practice 24/7. I'm so dedicated to myself  that I refuse to even give myself a day off from loving myself. It's called being a professional. 



“I’m a lot stronger than people think."

These dimples are made of steel, and I will see you burn in hell if you ever piss me off. Ask Orlando! Of course it's tough travelling so much without my little boy, but you know what would be tougher? Taking him with me! I just don't have the time and I really need to concentrate on my reflection for all those selfies I take. I don't get it, Kim Kardashian left her baby to attend Paris Fashion Week and so did I, yet she got all the headlines! Like she's the only celebrity who has a baby to leave? People seem to forget that I leave little Flynn without so much as a backward glance all the time. Life can be so unfair, even when you're as beautiful as me.

"If someone says to me, ‘Well, that’s not possible. It can't happen,’ I say, ‘Yes it is. I'm going to sit here and show you that it can.’ I can take no for an answer and accept it – but if there’s a solution and I can make it work, why wouldn't I?”

I can indeed take 'no' for an answer and accept it - but only if the question is "Will Miranda Kerr ever stop being the world's most beautiful and  bashfully modest woman?"  I will also happily bludgeon you to a pulp with a bottle of my Kora Organics Calming Lavender Mist if you show any opposition to my demands.  


Look! No baby!

“Don't feel like you have to do and be everything. Let the man do some things for you, because if he cares for you, he will want to. When I get home, I'm not the boss like I am at work – I slip into a more feminine role. I take everything off and put on my Stella McCartney silk robe. I’ll put on a red lip or red nails, and it lifts my mood. Sexy underwear also gives you a spark. I collect underwear from my travels. Lace, lingerie, bodysuits…they're like souvenirs.”

Yeah, when I get home I like to start busting Orlando's balls straight away.Why wait? This ensures that he's out of the house within 10 minutes of my arrival. He says he likes to leave me on my own a lot because he cares for me so much. And anyway, it's the least he can do now that he's an embarrassing 'has-been' in the movie business. It's essential that I reconnect with my inner-goddess and practice taking selfies in various stages of undress. You can never have too many mirrors, I find. The amazing thing is that I look bloody wonderful from all angles and it never ceases to amaze me. I slink around in my silks and satins and do some yoga until I feel like ME again. I do worry that Orlando is sometimes more feminine than me - his feet are smaller, he has prettier hands and that Stella McCartney robe looks better on him. Sometimes I hate him for this. Sometimes, I just hate him!


Catching up on housework!

“ Flynn says Mommy works and Daddy plays, because Daddy is in a play…so that makes sense. When I saw Orlando on Broadway in Romeo and Juliet, I was blown away. For someone to be able to learn all that and hold the energy to do it every day, six days a week – I have so much respect for him. We don’t run lines though. We keep that very separate. That would be like me asking him to teach me how to catwalk"

I've spent hours coaching Flynn to say 'Mommy works and Daddy plays' only for the bone-idle layabout to actually get a part in a play! I was blown away alright, especially when I realised that he was going to play the part of a bloody teenager! How far back do the audience need to be sitting for that to work? I suppose it's a step up from delivering pizzas, but only just. I thought he was going to be a HUGE Hollywood Star when I married him....what a let-down. I weep for the greater celebrity I could have been if only he'd been more successful. I have so much respect for him I can't bear to be in the same country as the loser for longer than 5 minutes. I should be grateful he finally found a bloody part-time job but who the hell is going to babysit Flynn while he's out six nights a week in some stupid play? There's no understudy for that! 

MEOW!










31 comments:

  1. Your powers of perception are razor sharp. I just realised Orlando is a has been now...he hasn't gotten any gigs and lately I notice she is parading around like a park avenue princess. Rebranding but one constant remains which is to love oneself hehe. Too funny re her "making the bed" and the rest of it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He'll soon be an ex-husband if he's lucky! You can tell she's disgusted with him for not making it big in another blockbuster. Of course, anyone who's ever seen him 'act' saw it coming. Saw him being interviewed and hated him, pretentious idiot..

      Delete
    2. You are a journalist /mystic meg! They broke up bc as you said he isnt a hot star now...

      Delete
    3. Well, Miranda will never be lonely - not as long as she can find a mirror and a camera.

      Delete
    4. On my iPad so I can't link it but did you see latest Miranda scandal on DM? She photoshopped herself to make herself look thinner!! Can you Adam and eve it??

      Delete
    5. Saw it this morning - obviously just a tad bitter that she didn't get the gig this year! So bloody obvious as well. She has no shame.

      Delete
  2. Her modesty is amazing isn't it?? Great fun. You took the words right out of her mouth, I'm sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! Luckily for me, she has a big mouth!

      Delete
  3. Falling about giggling here... I love it when you diss Miranda, that local girl from Brissie! So that's the problem - Orlando has become a has-been and I had not realised. All makes sense now. Sulky, we need your super powers of observation and interpretation. Go Kitten xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He hasn't realised his new status yet either, despite Miranda's heavy sighs and Robert Downey Jr. posters.

      Delete
  4. Naomi's spot on about the Park Avenue Princess bit...Loved it - have you ever done Giselle? There is someone ripe for an interview....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Giselle is another precious angel...If she doesn't stop using her baby as a yoga prop, I'll nab her!

      Delete
  5. I don't get Kerr. And I don't get Bloom as well. The cleavage in Paris looked so deliberate. You actually made her sound interesting for once. Both of them should be banished to the dark realms of middle earth!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't understand why so many people think she's perfect...herself included! They must bore each other to tears and for that reason alone, I hope they stay together.

      Delete
  6. Oh my. Again, I had to Google her. I must be living under a rock or something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If it meant I wouldn't have to see any more of her tedious self portraits, I'd say scoot over and make room for me.

      Delete
  7. Now I want to read the whole interview! As Patricia notes above, Miranda is our local Brissie girl made good. Just love it that the Sisters of Mercy have produced such an expert on self deification.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sisters of Mercy? If they'd kept her locked up they'd have earned that name!

      Delete
  8. Gosshhh, that second picture is just so.. so.. so.. fine, words fail me.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Once again, pardon me for not knowing these people, but thank you for introducing and interpreting Miranda Kerr´s wisdoms in an understandable way ; ).
    In fact I don´t know now what to think of her €%€&/(#€"!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She would be fuming at the thought of somebody not knowing who she is....so that makes me happy! Thank you!

      Delete
  10. "most beautiful women begged me to interview her" -- I was all like WUT? WHEN DID I BEG YOU TO INTERVIEW ME?!

    :-P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "ONE of the world's most beautiful women"....obviously, you're "THE most beautiful" ....... That bitch can only dream of being you, Wendy. Mr B will never embarrass you by pretending to be a teenager on Broadway!

      Delete
  11. Apparently they split months ago, so this post is not responsible for the destruction of Kerbloom marriage. Although, apparently a moment ago happily married and now not, coincidence? I think not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! They had all the hallmarks of a happy marriage - a photogenic baby, alleged affairs with other people and a knack of never being in the same country at the same time. And STILL, they couldn't make it work!? Don't be surprised if she ends up as George Clooney's new beard.

      Delete
  12. Goodness me. Just bought some white shirts, but cannot imagine wearing them in that way. Yes and what is it about george Clooney? You totally have to be right on that one, the women are always C-list celebs

    ReplyDelete
  13. Funny interpretation. I met her through her yoga and for a short while I admired her until I saw the contradiction between someone who gives endless advices to girls and 'preach' how we should treasure ourselves but then she takes her clothes off for no reason at all, then from that to almost hate was just a step.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I actually started at hate ! Now I feel a dull loathing for this odious creature.

      Delete

THANKS FOR YOUR COMMENTS - I LOVE READING THEM !