Tuesday, October 29, 2013

SECRET CELEBRITY DIARIES


I'll get the bastards!

Fuck, fuck, FUCK Vanity fucking Fair. The bastards! How dare they try and take me down. How dare they try and ruin my reputation as one of the most lady-like, elegant, pure and radiant stars of my generation.  Don't they remember I won a fucking Oscar?  And now they want to destroy me because I was once seen innocently holding hands with a man who isn't my husband. Since when has holding hands with a friendly billionaire been a crime? We were simply having a very passionate, intense and thrilling discussion about macrobiotic vegetables. If his penis made any moves on me, I was totally unaware of it and I can assure you that I felt nothing. It was a long time ago and I am a chaste married woman -  it even says so on my CV, right under "ruthless, cold, controlling bitch". I mean have you seen my husband? No really, have you? Because I can never find the miserable fucker when I need him by my side for "happy family" photo ops. For a so-called musician his sense of timing is pathetic. If Vanity Fair think I'm taking this lying down (which by the way is one of the many things they're accusing me of) they can think again. They need to remember who they're dealing with. Don't forget I'm the demure, virtuous paragon who didn't hesitate to call her own grandmother a 'cunt' on national television! I will do anything to prove my innocence and if that includes lying, cheating and dirty tricks, well, I like to think I have more experience in that arena than Vanity Fair.


My brooding intellectual look

It's been a while since  Stacy the Wrestler got her marching orders and I'm fed up with everybody trying to pair me off with Sandra Bullock. No offence to Sandy, but I'm a man in my prime so I don't want to be saddled with a woman who's gonna be putting like a hundred candles on her next birthday cake! Give me a break. No, a young, handsome, sexy guy like me needs (another young, sexy, handsome guy? I'm KIDDING!!) somebody who will be happy to just stand there and look good while towering protectively over me on the red carpet, or help me on and off boats on lake Como, or just up and down all those stairs at home. My back is still giving me trouble so I need the human equivalent of a walking stick.  Currently, I've got my eye on this lady in London. She's highly intelligent like me - even better she's a lawyer, who is doing some work for the very handsome Julian Assange, so she can probably even save me some money by drawing up her own contract! Hopefully, the conversation will be more stimulating than it was with my previous employees. I'll offer her the usual 2 year deal with the proviso that she can talk about Julian Assange all she wants. I just love Julian's hair and he has a very 'penetrating' gaze which gives me butterflies. I'd certainly like to penetrate him! And by that, I mean I'd like to delve beneath that haughty, icy demeanour and plumb the depths of the real Julian. A manly hug from a fellow intellectual refugee would probably make his day.


To gel or not to gel?
What a day! I crashed the car on the way to the tattoo parlour and I'm thinking it's just another sign that I should install my own tattoo parlour at home. Then I wouldn't have to put my life at risk by driving there. The police asked me if I checked the mirrors when I was driving. I said "wouldn't you, if you looked like me?" I told them I made doubly sure to check every mirror, because I wasn't sure whether I'd used enough hair gel that day. So it was important that I kept an eye on it as I was driving. I'm also worried that my profile isn't as taut as it used to be, so I was also concentrating on that as well. I guess that's why there are so many mirrors at the front of a car. But I still think I should have one installed on the car roof just to make the most of myself.  Brooklyn was in the car with me but he's OK. Later, I said to Victoria that I was glad she wasn't in the car because although the impact wasn't bad enough to wreck my hair ( I did use enough hair gel!!), it probably would have crushed her little chicken bones. She said she was glad too because although we had 3 other kids and the world is full of retired footballers, there was only one of her and the world of high fashion would have crumbled.

MEOW!

44 comments:

  1. Sulky you've made me day! What a scream this is!

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    1. Scream like Gwynnie at Vanity Fair!

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    2. I didn't know anything about it, thank heavens for you Sulky. Boy GP seems pissed now, that Graydon is a fearless little terror!

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  2. Finally vanity fair is doing its job rather than being an appendage to every pr agency in Hollywood. They were getting a bit stale and now I might renew my subscription although they want to go after nigella now? But she tells everything anyway so no mystery there...but this is all so hysterical. I just want to be there when gwynetg see Grayson IRL! Meow.

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    1. They allegedly have drugs dirt on Nigella! Apparently she doesn't just use that little nose for sniffing sauces!

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    2. Hear on the grapevine N's ex is going to be spilling some beans!!

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  3. Bahahahaha it's been a while missy and what a great read...howling with laughter - almost woke the wee one from his nap next door
    x.o.x.o!

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    1. Let sleeping babies lie! Hope you're both doing well. xx

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  4. The police asked me if I checked the mirrors when I was driving. I said "wouldn't you, if you looked like me?"

    I am sniggering like Mutley!

    Good to see you Sulkers.

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  5. Gwennie's fuss is hilarious. Do believe she protests too much. Yes, I do believe George, Tom, and John are gay. David…nailed it…dumb as dirt.

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    1. Some are of the opinion that the whole thing is a set-up by both VF and Gwynnie.....they need to boost their sales and she needs to be talked about at all times. Every time I even see the word sauna I immediately think of John Travolta.To be fair, when I see the word dickhead, I also automatically think of George.

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  6. Sulky, you did it! I was hoping you would. Cat 'head bump' to you...J.W.

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  7. Ok.
    I " got " the GC bit and the B´s in the last one. But the first one?
    Pardon my ignorance again , but then my knowledge of the celebs is a " bit " below average.

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    1. It's Gwyneth Paltrow and the fact that Vanity fair are threatening to do an in depth report on her and her alleged infidelities - and probably other stuff she'd rather keep under wraps.

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  8. Hahaha! Sulky, you are hilarious! That last one with checking the mirrors had me roaring with laughter. I check my mirrors all the time when I drive, but obviously for different reasons :)

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    1. Are you checking you have a space for your new tattoo? You're just like David.

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  9. Sulky, VF will be calling you any day now! This is hilarious and insightful.
    Thanks for the reminder that GP called her own grandmother a c*** - she is all class.

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    1. She said her Grandmother hated her......what a great judge of character she must have been. Gwynnie will probably reveal in her memoirs that she pushed her down the stairs "accidentally".

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  10. Heelloo Sulky

    Lovely to hear from you. I had no idea all of this highly important news was taking place. You know, here in the colonies, we are often last to hear. So glad we have you to keep us informed with "the only news that matters"

    Helen xx

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    1. Mindless celebrity gossip...it's the only thing that gets me out of bed, Helen.

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  11. Essential reading Sulky... Old George is on with Assange's lawyer? Fascinating stuff, and that Julian (a fellow Aussie) is a strange cat indeed. Keep us posted. As for Gwyneth, yep, protests too much. Very sus. Attempting to stop giggling now. Extra catnip for Sulky Kitten. xxx

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    1. Extra catnip? Thank you - I've just had a shipment of Colombia's Finest so I'll party tonight.x

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  12. Snort! I hardly ever bother to read the predictable dross in the Mags, but this is pure gold. I might even start buying VF again. It's been very bloody dull lately, but if there's a GP exposé.....

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    1. I just hope it's as good as they're threatening it will be!

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  13. I hadn't checked your blog for ages!!!! Hysterical as always, particularly George Clooney, you nailed him. I am looking forward to the VF expose on GP, even though (as you know) I kinda like her.

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    1. We're all rubbing our paws together in anticipation of that one! I'd love it if she turned out to be the female equivalent of Tiger Woods.

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  14. Sorry to say have not been around lately,life tends to get in the way out here in the boondocks.Hope to hear more on DB the mirrors bit had me rolling around on the floor gasping for air.......more,more of the same please!!

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  15. You're such a slut Judith/Ida - now I know that David Beckham gets you rolling around on the floor gasping for air, I'll see what I can do!

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  16. VF need you...and some of your 'Colombia's Finest' nip, crazy kitten!

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    1. I'll have to get Graydon Carter in a furry stranglehold and purr-suade him to hire me! Gwynnie won't even make the grade as kitty litter by the time I've finished with her.Ha!

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  17. I've been enlightened!

    You're quite the vicious vixen. I better never be well known enough for one of your exposés.

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  18. Hahahahaa... o you! (By the way, is it true your favourite couple have split? Ooh, I can see you going to town on that one lol!)

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  19. Yes! I always knew that wouldn't last!

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  20. Sadly David is getting less and less attractive. Waahaaey too many tatts and he's getting that small mouthsmall eyes, small nose look. You are brilliant as usual. Heading down (sorry that came out wrong) to do a good old catch up

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  21. Wow, someone must have given Becks writing lessons! He even knows what "taut" means!

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  22. Replies
    1. It was great! happy new Year to you too LR!

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  23. I've missed Now I've got to read that article. Happy new year - I've missed you. I see 2014 has not dulled your wit or the electronic zanger. Hope all is well SK

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